Unspoken Pain – Men and Abortion
A few years ago, I met a man who was in his mid-40s. He stood alone by the entrance of the banquet
hall where I had just spoken. As I made
my way through the crowd of people, he stepped forward to introduce
himself. Jim and I talked for quite some
time and, as we did, he began to unload a heavy burden…one he had been carrying
for more than 20 years.
Jim had served in the Marine Corps after graduating from
high school. While home on leave during
his fourth year of active duty, his girlfriend became pregnant. Jim, however, never learned of this pregnancy
until he was discharged and returned home to marry the woman he loved. It was during one of their premarital
counseling sessions that his girlfriend shared her secret with Jim and their
priest. When the word “abortion” reached
his ears, Jim felt sick to his stomach. He
could not believe what he had just heard.
“It was like being punched in the gut and having a piece of my soul torn
away,” Jim said.
Like many relationships where abortion is involved, theirs
became unstable and ended in hostility.
Jim never married because he became so untrusting. He thinks of his child every day and wonders
what his son or daughter would be like.
Every year Jim goes into deep depression during the month of June and
drinks heavier than normal. “That’s the
month he would have been born,” Jim said.
I wish this story is unique, but it is not. Common among men I meet who have abortions in
their past is the inability to trust and hurt that cuts so deep it is felt even
decades after the abortions occurred.
This is especially true with men who had no say in the decision. However, even for men who took an active
role, abortion brings back memories they would rather forget. They speak of shame, regret, depression, and
anger.
Imagine how deeply it affects a man who in the 70s was led
to believe that his baby was nothing more than a mass of cells, only to
discover in the 80s and 90s—through the miracle of ultrasound—that the mass of
cells had a heartbeat and little arms and legs.
One man who completed our abortion recovery Bible study said, “I still
feel the loss…but I’m not having nightmares anymore.” For years he endured nightmares reflecting the
anxiety he experienced while sitting in the waiting room of an abortion clinic. As hard as he tried, he could not stop
thinking of his unborn baby during the abortion procedure.
Some Christian men wonder if God will truly forgive
them. One individual I counseled lived
in constant fear that God would “balance the scale.” He became a Christian after the abortions
occurred. Yet, even with his newfound
faith, he was afraid that in an act of divine retribution, God would cause
something horrible to happen to him or the children he later fathered with his
wife. To cope with this fear, he did not
allow himself the luxury of feeling too close to them, detaching himself as a
way of protection. It was not until his
kids were heading off to college that he realized how much he had missed and
the source of his insecurity. Thinking
about his story has led me to wonder how many children have fathers in the house,
but not in their lives because of the long-term impact abortion has had on
their dads?
In an effort to cope with the memory of abortion, many men
turn to drugs or alcohol. That was my
escape after living through two abortions in high school. After the first, I almost drank myself to
death trying to kill the pain of my (our) loss.
Having felt our baby moving inside his mother’s womb one Friday morning,
I was crushed after learning on Monday that she had a late-term, therapeutic abortion
over the weekend….a choice that was made for her, not by her.
One the outside, men may appear to be indifferent about
abortion. I have certainly met my share
who seemingly could not care less.
However, after examining my own experience and listening to the men I
have come to know, it seems that the trauma caused by abortion eats away at
many of us like cancer. Even after
discovering God’s grace and forgiveness, the residual distress can last a
lifetime. This problem is aggravated by the
fact that most men who do regret their abortion decisions have been silent
about the effects of those choices.
Fearing rejection and shame, especially in the church, most men never
discover the healing that could set them free.
You might think “unspoken torment” is a distortion of what
men experience after losing a child to abortion. Yet, having walked in their shoes and
counseled men whose lives have been torn apart by abortion, to describe what we
feel as anything less would be an insult.
Every time I share my testimony, whether it is in a church
setting, at a pregnancy center banquet, or some other venue, men come forward
to say “Me too.” Although not every one
of them seeks healing…some are only ready to confess their grief for the very
first time. However, from physicians to
high school students, we are seeing an increase in the number of men at our
center who are beginning to address this issue through abortion recovery Bible
studies. My hope is that this trend will
continue and that the Lord will inspire more men to seek help and discover
lasting hope and healing.
By Paul Marshall, Regional Coordinator in Central NY