When I was 21, one evening I was raped and not long after found out that I was pregnant.

So, I was devastated and emotionally distraught. I didn’t want to have an abortion and just couldn’t believe that this was happening to me.
 
I told my fiance about the rape and pregnancy and he was very upset at first, but then told me he would support me, but flip-flopped about whether he thought I should abort or have the child. So, I thought that he would leave me during the pregnancy.  I also worried about having another C-Section because I had a very hard time with my first C-Section.  So for these reasons and many others I thought abortion was my best option and an answer to my problems.

However immediately after aborting, the very second they took the baby, I knew that it was a very big mistake, but it was too late.  I had agonized over whether it was a baby or just tissue as the abortion industry told us back then before the abortion, but now I knew that it was a baby and not tissue. The next day was very hard because my mother told me that if she would have had abortion available to her, she would have aborted me, thinking this would make me feel better about my decision.  However, it didn’t make me feel better because, if I had of been given a choice, I would have chosen to be born and have LIFE, but my baby was not given a choice.

That same day, my fiance asked if I had gone through with it and said to me that I was stronger than him because he could have never done it. I wished he had of told me that a day earlier.  I did not feel strong, but very weak to have taken the easy way out or so I thought.

Well I just decided that there was nothing I could do to change anything that happened, so I was just going to pretend that none of it ever happened.

A week or two later, I was married and tried to be happy, but had bouts of depression.

When I got pregnant again and began to have problems and miscarriage seemed inevitable. I was so distraught because I thought I was going to lose this baby that I wanted so much as punishment for what I had done to the previous one.  However, the symptoms stopped, but I worried constantly through out the pregnancy, especially when I got toxemia toward the end of it.  Thank God, I did have a healthy baby, but I suffered with depression and anxiety a few months after delivery. 

A few years later, I had another child and also worried through out the pregnancy. I once again suffered from bouts of depression and anxiety after delivery. I started having the same bad dream over and over again about a baby who was in my care that was dying from starvation and it was too late to feed it.  I didn’t relate this to my abortion until later.

I started volunteering at the Pregnancy Center many years later and would become very upset by the women who would call Help Line and be distraught after an abortion. So I decided I needed to deal with my own abortion before I could help others.

So I contacted a Rachael’s Vineyard retreat for post-abortive women.

It was very difficult to face my feelings of pain and anger from the rape and guilt and sorrow of the abortion.  The memorial service for the babies was the hardest part, but after being able to grieve the loss of my baby, I began to heal for the first time in almost 30 years.  The grieving process for me was shorter than for many because within a few days of the memorial service, through prayer, I found divine mercy and forgiveness through Jesus Christ and he gave me the ability to forgive myself.  Now I want to let others know that healing and forgiveness is possible after abortion and to let those who are considering abortion to know that it is not the easy way out.

Thank you very much,
Pam