All seemingly went well until I turned 27 years old.  In the late spring of 1972 my contraceptive protection failed.  I was in a 4 year relationship and planned to eventually marry.  Also, I was a kindergarten teacher and dearly loved children.  We were in a big dilemma.  My desire to be a mother was strong, but we were realizing how the baby would alter our lives and make it go where we weren’t ready.

After a few weeks of constant thinking, we decided to have the abortion.  The only counsel my doctor gave me was that “Some women have emotional problems after doing that.”  I brushed off his comment and thought, “I am college educated, 27 years old, emotionally stable, and a master of my future."

All the time I was planning the abortion, mothering instincts were raging inside of me. While lying on the abortionist’s table, and after hearing about my work with children, the abortionist stopped the preparation and asked if I wanted to reconsider. I thwarted the instincts and had him proceed. This was the biggest mistake that I have ever made in my life.

I remember my body violently shaking and a pain worse then I had ever experienced.  Then I was forced to walk over to a recovery bed where I could rest for only ½ hour and then had to leave.

Initially, I felt relieved, but quickly realized that I had made a terrible, irreversible choice.  A mistake I couldn’t correct and one I would have to hide in my heart forever.  It left me heavily depressed, hardly able to move and wondering if I could ever go back to teaching.  Half of me died with the child.  After a few weeks, I moved in with my boyfriend.  Three months later, the pain was so immense that it gravely affected my feelings towards my boyfriend.  I then moved out of his life forever.

I thought about that abortion every morning and night. After a year, I quit my job and moved to Canada. The emotions moved with me. I met my husband there, moved to New Orleans and got married. The emotions followed me into our marriage.

I experienced depressive mood swings every time I went to baby showers, when someone gave me a baby to hold, and on the anniversary dates of the abortion and the thwarted birth dates of the baby. Thoughts of guilt, regret, and shame were never ending. Besides all this, I was never able to get pregnant again. That reality crushed my heart.

Finally, at age 40, I had a partial mastectomy. The emotions from this procedure mirrored the abortion experience. The weight was too heavy to bear and I cried out to God for death.  Instead, He had me rethink the abortion choice.  That’s when I really faced what I had done and realized that the baby was a gift from Him, given to us to raise for Him.  It was His child, NOT ours.  When this revelation came to me, I cried out for forgiveness with a broken and remorseful heart.  He then instantly came to me. It made me realize that He had been there all those years just waiting for my heart to change. I can not find the words to express His precious presence, deep peace and forgiveness. It was as if I could feel His hands gently resting on my head. He stayed with me until I sorted out my feelings. I realized that I had been pulled through the eye of the needle and I was feeling the holes in His hands.  I then repented of being a doubting Thomas and running my life, my way. His grace was so immense. I then turned my life over to Him.

It took five years before I could forgive myself and get fully healed.  Our slogan in the 1960’s was “Make love, not war.”  Actually, we began a holocaust on our unborn and put ourselves in horrible bondage.  This is why I have to be Silent No More! 

Click Here to see Bobbie's testimony that she shared at the press conference on the capitol steps in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, on April 26, 2010. Then click your "Back" button to return to this page.