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Testimonies
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It Was Our Secret
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John and Mary Lockwood
Michigan,
United States
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My name is Mary Lockwood and I have had multiple abortions. I began speaking out about my abortions four years ago and my husband, John, and I now speak together about the one abortion we share. We are speaking out today because we know and realize the hurt that is out there and the freedom that speaking out and being forgiven by our Creator has given us.
When I sought out each of my abortions options were never presented to me...my abortions were all treated as merely medical procedures without any regard to life within me. I never realized the pain and suffering I would go through as a result of my horrible decisions. I live with that pain daily and, as a post-abortive couple, we know the many pains of abortion. I, and we, now know the truth and we will speak out for ‘life’ because we know the deception and untruths about abortion. If you have had an abortion please know you are not alone and you are forgiven. Again, the lack of truth and the deception of abortion is what motivate your decision in many cases and all women need to know that about abortion. I truly believe because I did not really realize what an abortion is and what it does to that precious baby inside of you and what it will do to you for the many years after, that I would make the same decision. We make decisions many times because we know NOT what we do.
I had my three abortions because I was looking for an easy way out and I had no idea what I was doing and what an abortion really was at that point of my life. I was a feminist and felt it was my right and without any regard for the life within me. My husband John and I share one abortion and until the last few years we never spoke about it…it has been a rewarding and very painful, journey, and one we experience each and every day. John told me it was my body and my decision and, of course being a feminist, I knew that was right. We never talked about it afterward in any depth whatsoever. It was our secret.
My abortions were all done in a hospital setting and what I experienced during all three abortions were deep feelings of loneliness and shame, but on the surface I touted abortion to others as the right of a woman. Immediately after the abortion I wanted to get on with my life and go back to building my career and pursuing my degrees, never really dealing with what I had done to my body and the life inside of me. I felt such a void but refused to deal with the thought of it.
As time went on I regretted my decision every day and most especially when I would see other families with children. I realized what I had given up, but not really fully until much later in my life. My heart aches that I do not have that family I discarded for the sake of my own convenience and women's rights. Until my husband and I really fully understood what we had done and then talked about it and cried about it and fought about it and continue to heal with it through prayer did we come to terms with our horrible decision. Speaking out has given me my life back and continues to heal John and other men through his words.
I found help and forgiveness through my faith and through my confessors and many non-judgmental and loving friends. I was prompted by a dear friend to emcee a pro-life event and to give my testimony in a 7 minute time slot. I was terrified to do it….it had been my dark, deep secret for so long…it was the hardest 7 minutes of my life, but it opened so many doors to forgiveness and healing and acceptance that I never thought I would experience. Then another dear friend asked John and me if we had ever thought of speaking out together and she prompted us to do so because there are so many hurting men over abortions in their past, as well as women. I cannot begin to tell you the many powerful and hurting and personal stories we have heard in the last few years since we have been speaking out.
We are Silent No More and it is part of our daily healing that we speak out. We speak out to help other men and women who are hurting after an abortion.
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