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Testimonies
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Peace in my Life
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Christine
Ohio,
United States
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I had an abortion when I was 17 years old. I was embarrassed that I had become pregnant by my boyfriend, who was 4 years older. My family did not approve of the relationship, and I knew in my heart that he didn't really love me. I never told my family about the abortion. Only the father and a few close friends knew about it. It was a secret I held for over 30 years.
My friends took me to a local Planned Parenthood clinic for the pregnancy test; it was estimated that I was 9-12 weeks pregnant. They said I had three options: go through nine months of pregnancy to deliver the baby and keep it, give the baby up for adoption, or terminate the pregnancy. They said they couldn't help me with the first two options, but they would be able to help me obtain an abortion, and it was up to me whether I told my family. That was the clincher, I could solve this problem, and my family would never need to know. They also said that at this stage it was nothing more than a blob of tissue, like a tumor.
Because this was before Roe v. Wade, I had to go from Ohio to New York to get the abortion. Planned Parenthood made all the arrangements except the travel. My boyfriend got the airline tickets, and I paid the $300 for the abortion.
I remember walking through the whole process as if I was someone else, not daring to think about it, accepting it just as something that had to be done, like checking it off a list I had been given of things to do. At the airport, it was suggested that my boyfriend stay there while I boarded a shuttle to the facility. At the facility, they took ten of us at a time into a private room and asked us if we had any questions or concerns. Not one of us said a word. I remember thinking just shut up, don't think about this. It's too late for anything else. I think that's what everyone else was thinking.
In the procedure room, I remember the doctor saying, “Don't worry, this won't take long. You'll only feel a little discomfort, the sedative will help.” There was a terrible whirling sound from the suction machine, but I willed myself to ignore it.
Afterward, I felt severe cramping but also a psychological numbness. It wasn't until they loaded us in a crowded station wagon that my feelings returned. I was sitting in a fetal position in the rear of the vehicle when the floodgates opened and the tears began to flow. The driver silently opened the back window, but no one said a word. Back at the airport I regained my composure and the numbness returned. From that point on, I was like the walking dead.
For years, I refused to think about the abortion or what I had done. In fact, there was a bit of denial involved when I even supported the new right established by Roe v. Wade. My life was full of promiscuity and broken relationships. I never missed taking the pill and when they said I couldn't have it and continue smoking, I had a tubal ligation. I would never be pregnant again. I did not trust myself to face that ever again. The ironic thing is that as a young girl I dreamed of getting married and having children, but I felt I didn't deserve that dream anymore.
There were bouts of depression and even a suicide attempt throughout my life. It was while contemplating suicide again that I got on my knees and begged God, if you really exist, help me! I had a spiritual experience that to this day I can't describe other than incredible peace and the feeling that Jesus was holding me in his arms.
I wasn't raised in any religion, although there was a general sense that there was a God. I asked to be baptized in the Episcopal Church after confessing my abortion and other sins. Eventually, I came into the Catholic Church. I told the priest, I know God has forgiven me, but I can't forgive myself, and I don't know what else to do to help me get past all the pain I am still feeling. He directed me to Rachel's Vineyard and, for the first time in my life, I truly felt others understood, loved me unconditionally, and were willing to help me. It was one of the best experiences of my life. I am eternally grateful that God led me to the people who would save me from myself.
Being open about my experience has not always been easy. As an elementary school teacher, I was a little nervous about what others would think. But there are other women out there who need the same help and unconditional love that I found through Jesus and the healing program He led me to, so I am Silent No More!
I wish that healing had begun earlier in my life. I wasted years in pain, shame, and lost opportunities to help others. I only pray that my story can help bring someone else to the grace of forgiveness and redemption that I finally found. I still have regrets, but there is a peace in my life now that never fully existed before.
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