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Testimonies
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Spoken Of In Love
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Mary Beth
Colorado,
United States
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My name is Mary Beth Fisher, and I had two abortions when I was a teenager. This is my story.
In 1969, when I was sixteen, my family moved to Arizona from California. California had been my home since the second grade – now I was a junior in high school. There were many changes, and I was unhappy. My friends and everything I knew … my life … was gone. I went from being able to wear jeans in school to having to wear a dress again. This was a big deal to a sixteen-year-old in the late 1960s! I felt ripped from home and thrown into an area that didn’t care who I was or where I was from. I was very angry.
I met a guy at a party, and we ended up sleeping together. I went to California for a visit that summer. A girlfriend and I went to a Free Clinic and I found out that I was pregnant. We were both excited and I intended to keep the baby. I had a boyfriend, of sorts, in California who decided that he would marry me and raise the baby with me. I think he thought my parents had money and a friend told me that was what he was after. I quickly dumped him when I learned that.
I talked to an adult friend, and she agreed to help me get on welfare, etc. so I could keep the baby. Then I told my sister. She took me to her doctor’s office to confirm my pregnancy. Next, she helped me tell my mom and dad. They were shocked, surprised, sad, but supportive – at first. They came up with a plan. The three of us would move to New York to live until I had the baby. My parents would adopt the baby and then return to Arizona or California. They would tell everyone that Mom had a menopause baby while they were gone! Amazing! The plan lasted about a day then my mom went nuts, began screaming at me, and insisted that I have an abortion. It was all about her and what her friends would think and say.
In 1969, abortions were illegal unless you could prove you would do bodily harm to yourself or the baby. I had to convince three doctors/psychologists or psychiatrists that I would do just that. Each of them interviewed me separately and then they got together to determine whether they would allow the abortion. It took a lot of convincing, but eventually they agreed. The doctors called it a D&C. The medical words are dilatation and curettage, but we said it was a little “dusting & cleaning.” I don’t know how far along I was. I don’t remember ever feeling the baby move inside me. I know I was very unhappy. I don’t even remember if the “D & C” was in California or Arizona as it was a blur then and still is.
I know that when I found out I was pregnant I was happy. I never “dreamed” of being a mom, and I certainly wasn’t going to marry the father who I didn’t even know. The parents got together and decided what was best, without any input from the boy or me. I know I was in high school. I’m not sure how old he was. I remember there was a time that it was okay for me to be pregnant, and I had a little bleeding and told my mom. I don’t remember what she told me. I don’t remember anything after the abortion. I know we never talked about it.
When I was nineteen, I had another one-night stand and second abortion. I found out I was pregnant and, for $75.00, had the abortion. Said and done. No thought about it, no contacting the boy nothing. Done. I did tell him about a month later when I saw him (he lived 60 miles away). I told him I found I was pregnant and took care of it. I remember him seemed slightly shocked. He asked if I wanted him to help. I said it was only $75.00 and that was the end of the conversation. We actually stayed in contact for a couple years. I never considered his feelings for the baby. I now wish I had.
Now over 40 years later, I wish someone had shown me there were alternatives to abortion and that there were consequences, too. I wish I’d been asked what I wanted to do. I wish I’d known the death I would feel inside most of my life from the choices that I made. For me, the biggest thing is the death you feel. I didn’t think about the death of a baby and that is a big part of it, but the Bible speaks of us not becoming familiar with death, witchcraft, etc. and I believe that is what the Bible meant. We women who choose abortion carry around a death that we are responsible for after God created the life inside us. This is a heavy burden for me.
I have learned that there is forgiveness and healing after abortion. The world doesn’t say this. The world says, “Do it. You’ll never think about it again”. That is a lie from the pit of hell.
Adoption or parenthood, you also live with those choices, but I would much rather know that my two children were in loving, nurturing homes. I never thought how my choices might affect my future self. Would I tell a boyfriend who might propose to me? Could I tell my husband about the choices I made? What if it had resulted in me being unable to have children, how would I feel? I never thought about my future children and what impact that would have on them. The most difficult thing I struggle with is how could my mother force me to abort her own grandchild? No one ever talked to me or helped me process any of this. I never spoke of it.
I didn’t realize how deep an issue this was until my daughter found she was pregnant and wanted an abortion. As a parent, I knew this issue might occur, although I prayed it wouldn’t. How would I react? Would I react like my mother insisting on an abortion so my friends and colleagues wouldn’t look down on me? So I wouldn’t be embarrassed by my daughter’s situation?
Somehow, I knew before she told me that she was pregnant that I had a grandchild. I also knew that I couldn’t allow anyone I love and care for to go through what I went through. I’m not just talking about the abortion itself, but the years of doubt, guilt, pain that came after.
My daughter, with God’s help and lots of prayer, chose adoption. I have a wonderful, beautiful, adorable grandson who just turned eight years old. He has a wonderful family that adores him, and I couldn’t ask for a better family to raise him. We have a wonderful relationship with that family. It took time and work but has been a blessing to all involved.
One of the things I told myself over the years is that if I had had those babies so long ago at the ages of sixteen and nineteen that my life would be so different. I might never have met my loving husband of thirty years. I might not have the beautiful daughters that I have. Wasn’t my husband and daughters God’s plan for me? Couldn’t He have orchestrated that anyway? And what did I take from them?
I have been a bitter, angry woman for most of my life. It has been a struggle for me to be close to anyone. I was extremely close to my mother, yet I was never able to trust her again with my feelings. What a terrible thing.
There are women today who have never spoken a word about their abortions. We don’t speak about it. There are women who are deep into addictions because of this, but we don’t speak about it. It’s a nothing issue, we tell ourselves, but it goes to the core of our heart and our soul. I’ve heard my daughter speak about her friends who have had abortions not willing to go to church because they believe God won’t or can’t forgive them. That’s a lie. God will and wants to. He wants us to come to Him. He wants us to find a safe place, a safe person who we can talk to about this heart issue and find forgiveness from God and from ourselves.
There are so many resources now. This is not something that should be talked about proudly but spoken of in love so people can find the healing and forgiveness they need.
I will be Silent No More.
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