Lord, please hug my child for me

I am a white female who was dating a black 17 year old when I was 15. I became pregnant and my mom could not accept that the child was 1/2 black. I was a military dependent living in Germany. My parents arranged to have me flown to Holland for an abortion. My mom and dad went with me. The boy's parents paid for half the abortion at the request of my parents.

It was very impersonal and scary. I had to go to an office by myself while my parents waited downstairs. I had to give them the money. It was kind of like going through a pap test. They explained what would happen and one lady held my hand while it happened. I had to rest for a while before they let me leave. They kept calling it a procedure.

My mother tried to believe that the abortion erased everything. My family did not look at the abortion as bad, only what I had done. They never viewed it as a child. Neither did I until one year ago. I believed that I could never be a mom because of what I had done. I never would hold babies, it made me uncomfortable. I have lived with a lot of guilt and anger.

I became a Christian 4 years ago and realized that I allowed a murder to take place. Last year I told a girlfriend what happened and I went forward during a church service (on the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade) and asked God to forgive me and to please give my child a hug and kiss for me. I had carried the burden long enough and gave it up to the Lord. I have also seen a Christian counselor to help me deal with this.

If I had been allowed to keep the child it would be 15 years old. I believed a lie for all these years that I can't be a mom. My adult life has been filled with pain, guilt, anger and confusion. I always thought that my parents did what they thought was right. I recently discovered that my child was "exterminated" because of its color.

It is only by the grace of God that the hurt within me is being healed. I know that the Lord has given me a testimony that will help other woman that are also suffering.

The Lord is great and brought me to my knees. I bared my soul and He has truly blessed me for it.

One month ago my husband and myself became the proud parents of twin girls. They are half Indian and half black. The Lord has blessed us twofold. I am now a full-time "MOM."

I praise God that the birth mother chose life and that she loved the girls enough to give them up for adoption.

Post-Abortion Facts, Reconciliation and Healing