In 1999, I started dating this man, I liked him and enjoyed having him around but I wasn’t in love with him. Two months later I became pregnant, I had so many different emotions because I didn’t see myself having a future with him; but I was pregnant with his child. I told him the news; he accepted it and wanted “his” baby. I told him I wasn’t keeping “my” baby and he started crying, pleading with me to keep “our” baby. At that time, I didn’t care what he wanted, I felt like this was my body and my decision alone and his opinion didn’t matter. I was going to do what I wanted to do; no matter how he felt.

I didn’t know much about abortions, but what I did know was that I was going to find out information on how to get one. My friends were telling me it wasn’t a baby yet anyway.  It was early in my pregnancy, it was just tissue.  But deep down I felt it was a baby.  The thought never even crossed my mind to look deeper into it. I just knew an abortion was a quick way out of a situation I thought I didn’t want to be in. After a few days, I finally built up the nerve to call the clinic. At times I was happy and at times I was sad, but I kept asking myself how can I miss what I’ll never have? I was sure this move wouldn’t affect me because my thoughts were, “I’ll never meet this baby; so I won’t be attached.”

The day finally came that I would later regret. First, I was put in a small room and given an ultrasound.  I couldn’t see it but I remembered how full I felt. I was fighting back tears, wondering if it could be a girl or boy. After that, I waited in a room with other women who made the same decision that I had made. My name was called and I quickly got up and followed the nurse into a room down a hall. As I entered the room, I saw different machines, attachments, and a lot of other things that looked like major surgery was about to take place.  That made me nervous and scared. I didn’t even know how abortions were done.

I was cold and felt alone, the doctor came in and told me what he was going to be doing and that I was going to feel some discomfort. I was out of it a little bit but I do remember feeling this tugging going on down in my stomach. Tears begin to roll down my face as I felt the pain of my baby being ripped, torn and pulled away from me. It wasn’t a very long process at all.  In a matter of minutes, I had killed my baby and he was gone forever. There was no turning back now. I could not change my mind. It was done and over with, my baby was gone and I couldn’t get him back. As I was leaving, I turned and looked at the clinic. I had this feeling of relief and emptiness at the same time. I felt like I was leaving something behind.

A few years later, I entered into another relationship. By my second pregnancy with him; I felt we should take our relationship to another level because we already had a daughter together. Our relationship was not good. I was pregnant and in a bad mental state looking for a way out of what I was going through. I wanted to really keep this baby. I was thinking about my financial situation. I thought that another child wouldn’t help me rectify any of my problems.  My mind was telling me that my life was such a mess but my heart was reminding me that if I kept this child, I’d be blessed. The father wasn’t too thrilled about the pregnancy.  I basically gave him an ultimatum. I said, “If you love me and this child and you want me to keep the baby, you’ll put a ring on my finger and at least set a date for the wedding.” I said, “I’m not having another child with you without being married.” I gave him this ultimatum out of anger and to show him I meant what I said.  But when I look back on it, I thought I used my baby’s life to play some sick game and force someone to marry me. That’s a marriage I wouldn’t want to be in anyway. I kept turning all of these issues over and over in my mind and I let my mind get the best of my heart. I thought back to my first abortion and now I was having another one, I thought two babies lost.  It angered me even more. I was trying to prove a point with my child’s life and it would only backfire on me. Nonetheless, in 2003, I arrived at the same clinic.

I already felt like a regular. I was using abortion like a crack head used cocaine. As I was lying on the table, I said to God, “God please get me through this one safely. Lord, I promise I’ll never have another one, just get me through this safely.” My flesh was willing but my spirit was so heavy. After the procedure, I remembered looking over to my right. On the top of the counter I saw a clear glass jar. It was full of blood and tissue.

I couldn’t take my eyes off the jar. The nurse came in and saw me just staring at it. She rushed over and grabbed the jar and said, “Oh my God you weren’t supposed to see this!” I was drawn to the jar like a moth to a flame because it was my baby inside of it. I asked the nurse “What do you do with it?” She responded reluctantly, but since I had already seen the jar she said, “We just put it in a garbage bag and put it in the dumpster in the back.”  I felt like she had put a knife right through my heart. I felt she was just as guilty as the doctor because she assisted the doctor. She was an accessory to murder. But then I asked myself, “How could I be upset with them for doing that, when I ordered the hit!” They’re only doing what I told them to do.

I left the clinic not even feeling relieved this time, but hurt. I regretted having the abortion already. I was sure I had made the wrong decision.  My thoughts were running like water.  How could I take the life of something so priceless again? I wanted my baby! I closed my eyes and started replaying every step back and stopped when I was walking into the clinic.  I wished I would have stopped at the clinic doors, but this could be done only in my mind, it wasn’t reality. I opened my eyes and I realized I had to face, accept and deal with that fact that it was done and another baby was gone. 

I’ve been through so many trials, tribulations, and storms before and after these abortions. I had become a totally different person after the first abortion. I started drinking, going to clubs during the week and every weekend, sometimes leaving drunk and sleeping with whoever I wanted to. I began to seek God out like never before and started building a relationship with him. After the second abortion, I became violent, and at one point I was contemplating suicide. I was so hungry for love and hurt by everyone I thought loved me. I had no choice but to turn to the Lord.  I became so thirsty for God. I wanted him in my life like never before.  It was like it wasn’t an option. I was so hurt and broken from my past, hurting with pain that I really never let go of, I just kept it suppressed and hidden. Having two abortions only added pain on top of pain. I couldn’t control the flames of this internal fire. I was carrying all of that inside of me; it was like a volcano waiting to erupt. When I let go of my pain and let God into my life, my life changed. When God put His hands on me, I became a whole new person and for the last three years, I have never been the same.

God can restore, He can heal because He is the restorer, and He is the healer. God has given me peace about what I’ve done. God has healed me from the painful memories and the guilt I’ve experienced because of my abortions. He allowed me to go through everything I did because it wasn’t for me, it was for others. God has released me and given me an assignment that I will carry out. It’s not about me, it’s about God’s will and it must be done. Ladies and Gentlemen, please give that innocent, precious gift from God a chance to live, a chance to make their mark in the world. They were created to fulfill God’s will for their life.  Don’t take that away from them.

For all of you who may be asking yourself after all I went through with the first abortion how could I do it again and now try to tell you choose life?  It is because I’ve been there and have done what you’re about to do or may be thinking about doing. I know the emotional baggage that comes with that choice. My babies may not be here anymore and I may not have responsibility for them but I regret the abortions and I miss my babies. I’m missing what I could have had but never will.
 
That’s something I don’t want women who haven’t made that choice to go through. You will regret that choice for the rest of your life. I want to save you from a life time of terrible memories. To women who have experienced abortion, and are carrying that load on your shoulders, the Lord is just waiting for you to ask Him for help. It starts with you forgiving yourself. 

I wouldn’t change anything; the fight is always significant and rewarding. It gives meaning to my life which qualifies me to speak to you. Life has many different seasons of ups and downs, good and bad, and we all have experienced both. I’m not going to stop! It keeps me pushing forward, loving harder, serving harder, working harder and trying harder. I want you to know that there is healing and restoration for you. If God did it for me, He will do it for you. 

God has been so good to me many times when I didn’t even deserve it. I never would have made it without Him. Because of his mercy and his grace and because he loved me, I am here and I am still standing.

I leave you with this quote by Patti La Belle, “Whenever times get hard, when you don’t know how you got to wherever you are, let alone how your going to make it out of the pain, out of the heartache, out of the terrible sorrow or situation you find yourself in-remember that God never built a staircase to nowhere. And when you do what you can, He will do what you can’t.”