It was the night of The Pathway Home’s first Celebration of Life when I brought to my Mom a red and a white rose in the name of a grandson who will never be able to bring her roses. This is because many years ago I made a decision that forever I have regretted.
For an entire life, I was just the typical devoted “church girl." I was well-taught, well-involved in our church’s activities. Needless to say, both of my parents were also actively involved with Christian retreats themselves, and the Bible was not just another book in our home, but THE BOOK of excellence and for excellence. Dad used to say that it was only there where we would find who we really were, and to Whom we belonged!
Being a senior student at the university, (23 years old), I found myself pregnant and single. I am child number four in my family. But at that particular time, I was the oldest of six younger brothers and sisters. Fear of my Mother, (afraid of what her friends would say), along with the shame I was going to bring upon my family and the poor example I was portraying for my younger siblings, froze me to the point of not being able to see the magnitude of what I was about to decide. I decided the unthinkable: I had an abortion!
It was my boyfriend’s bright idea…actually; instead of getting married in a rush…here is “the other option.” He told me where to go for the abortion and he provided me with the money the doctor requested. Due to his job responsibilities, he had to go to El Salvador for several days, so…he was not there with me when I had the abortion, and he was not there for me after the abortion.
I believed all the lies! The doctor told me that we needed to do it immediately because at five weeks of pregnancy, there were still not bones…(A blob of tissue?). He did not want to know anything about me. The anesthesia started to have an effect on me and the nurse started to ask EVERYTHING about me: my parent’s names, place of our work, father of the child, etc. He also requested that I should come with someone else, not alone. It was a totally humiliating, painful and destructive experience. Moreover, I willingly turned my face away from my First True Love!
I was about five or six years old, when my Mom took me with her every Thursday to her personal and special visit to the Holy of Holiest, and introduced me to my First True Love. At age 9, I found my special place at The Lord’s Supper Table. During my teenage years, prayers and youth retreats kept feeding my spiritual hunger. As our four years of clean courtship turned the wrong way, my visits to the Holy of Holiest faded. Slowly but surely, my defenses wore out and the day came to pass when I heard myself crying to God and, acknowledging His unfailing love. I said, “Please, forgive me for what I am going to do but…You know that my mother will never forgive me for the humiliation I will bring upon her!” Well, I will never know anyway…I did not give her a chance! Their friends gossiped anyway! In addition, nobody but me will ever miss the son I gave no chance of being born!
The young woman that went inside the clinic died as well. I came out a very different person. I hated myself, my Mother, my boyfriend, brothers and sisters and even society. I knew what was right, honorable, noble and good. I realized that I had played to be God! I went immediately to confession. I do not remember how many times I confessed my sin. Regardless, it was always impossible for me to experience God’s forgiveness. The real issue was my unwillingness to forgive myself. Now I know my sin was gone from the very first time I confessed it!
That “sweet” girl he had married began to raise her voice aggressively to her husband and with time, became an overprotective mother to her three children. Many of our 32 years of marriage were filled with doubts, half-spoken words and even betrayal.
It was through the Bible Study, “Forgiven and Set Free," that I was able to finally deal with the aftermath of my abortion experience. Going to Calvary, meant for me going back to my "First Love.” I realized that His sacrifice was the total payment for my personal sins. I embraced the rugged cross with my bare arms and hands. I threw myself into His Arms of Mercy. He was just waiting for me...His precious bride! He dressed me with royal robe and then, He raised me up to more than I can be. I was assured of God’s love. I knew who He was, and I knew His character. I accepted His invitation to “Go and sin no more” because HE DID NOT CONDEMN ME. I literally came out from the darkness into the light! I even got the courage to ask our children for forgiveness, and they did forgive us! My husband and my children blessed my decision to come to Washington and be a Silent No More. I gave my personal testimony publically (in Spanish) for the first time.
Jesus invited me to live the free life. Before, I was denied to live my life freely because of shame. My life was restored and healed as He had promised me. In His extravagant Love, He also gave me a new love, respect and admiration for my husband, and even put a new song to sing in my heart. He gave me a brand new generation of my family, through my grandchildren!
I can now extend my hand to other women living in the same bondage, and I can tell them MY STORY ABOUT HIS GLORY! I can bring hope, because now I know THEY HAVE NOT COMMITED THE UNFORGIVABLE SIN! God is GREATER than our greatest sin...Of course, it will never be OK what we did…But yes, says the Lord…He is going to give us beauty for ashes, strength for fear, and gladness for mourning and peace for despair…What HE DID FOR ME, HE WANTS TO DO FOR YOU…That is why I AM SILENT NO MORE.
I live my life now challenging others to TELL THEIR STORIES ABOUT HIS GLORY…I ask them to come on out in the open…into the light. Our Redeemer lives! Hear what God says in:
“Come now, and let us reason together, says the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool."
Abortion is Satan’s master plan to destroy humanity, and silence is its best ally. I urge everyone to listen to me: Be SILENT NO MORE!
We all need to LISTEN, WRITE IT, and MAKE IT HAPPEN! We all have to be, in one way or another…SILENT NO MORE!