I had 3 abortions! I was about 4 ½ months pregnant when I had my last abortion. I didn’t know what to do, I felt there was no way out, I felt trapped! I went to planned parenthood for my abortion. When I signed in at the reception desk I was asked two questions, “Your name?" And “Do you have a ride home?"  And please sit down until your name is called! My name was called; I was led to the prep room to change. The nurse said, “Don’t worry, the doctor has done lots of these “procedures." You’ll be put into a “twilight sleep," and you won’t feel anything. She didn't want to know how I felt; she showed no love, no compassion, nothing!  I was nervous, shaking and scared.

The nurse came in and led me to where the abortions are done. There was this steel table, (you know, like the ones they have in the morgues) where I was told to lie down. Everything in that room was cold and unwelcoming. I was given my sedative and waited for the effects to begin. The doctor came in, patted me on the leg and said, “Don’t be so nervous, I’ve done a lot of these procedures We’ll be done in no time. You won’t feel a thing.” That was a big, fat lie!  I felt everyting. I heard and saw this sucking machine with a clear hose attached to it. On the end of it was a steel canula that was going to be inserted into me. The sound of a “shop vac!" That was the sound.  The doctor inserted (more like shoved) the cannula w/ the hose attached.  The pain was so intense it took my breath away. I squeezed the nurse’s hand so tight. I literally saw stars before my eyes. My body shook every time the doctor shoved that tube inside of me. I felt her body being ripped and torn apart, literally limb by limb! It wasn’t natural. It was horrendous! I had a partial-birth abortion!  It seemed like it took forever!  While in recovery right after my abortion, I felt empty, numb, ashamed of myself, I hated myself I sobbed from the bottom of my soul. They said you could go back to your normal life in about two weeks; resume all activities. My life changed that horrible day, I was never the same.

It has taken me over 25 years to find forgiveness.

During those 25 years, I experienced depression, thoughts of suicide, did drugs, drank, slept around, felt worthless, felt lower than an insect.  I was trying to stop the pain, and guilt I had because of my abortions. It didn’t matter what I did, those feelings never subsided. In March 2005, I finally found help and forgiveness through a retreat known as Rachel’s Vineyard. It is a post-abortion ministry and helped me heal.  I was shown how God loves and forgives me, and that I am His child; a child of light, no longer in darkness.  I have been rescued by my savior, Jesus. Through the healing power of God and Rachel’s Vineyard, I learned how to forgive myself.

I am now able to tell you the truth that abortions hurt, not just then, but for years later. Now I can say that my children have a voice because I, their earthly mother who cut their lives short because I was selfish, choose to be silent, no more!