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Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously


 
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I Finally Feel Loved
Cindy
Mississippi, United States
         

I am really a big chicken...but I do have alot to share on the topic, having had several abortions, which very few  people know about.  I don't know if you consider this a testimony, but here goes...

In December of 2007, my life was a living hell.  I had been in a depression for a couple of months.  For a long time, I could not resolve a lot of past issues, and couldn’t understand why I just couldn’t get over it!  The only way I was functioning was because of  snorting cocaine several times a day for years.  I think God was knocking on my door, even though at that time I didn’t know it.  I was desperate-so unhappy, full of anger, rage, hurt, abandonment and rejection. 

I’m gonna share some history.  I know most girls who contact a pregnancy center have been through a lot.  I'm not saying my story is worse than anyone elses, and I'm not sharing this stuff to make the devil look good.  But I want to share some of my past to encourage people and to help them see that God can fix some pretty big messes.

I was born into a coven, my mother was a white witch.  I was born to be a breeder.  Needless to say, there was a lot of abuse as they started to get my body ready.

When I was five years old, I was rescued out of that situation. The state intervened and my custody was awarded to my grandparents, and they adopted me when I was around six and a half.

Just when I thought I was safe, a 55-year-old man that was boarding with my grandparents started doing stuff to me almost as soon as I moved in with them. This opened up all sorts of junk;  I became someone who everyone thought they could fool around with (neighbors, Sunday school teacher, cousins).  I would sleep with anyone who wanted me.  Gender wasn’t a concern.   This went on for years, until Charlie (the 55-year-old man) got me pregnant when I was almost 12 yrs old.  I didn’t know what to do and had kept it a secret as long as I could. 

My "Christian" grandmother forced me to have my first abortion when I was 16 weeks pregnant.  When I came out of that clinic and got in the car, she just turned to me and said, “Now I never want to hear another word about this again."  Talk about alone.

That started me on the road to intentional promiscuity, drug and alcohol abuse.   I got pregnant almost immediately and had my first son to try to make up for the one I murdered.  I got pregnant again when he was four months old, but I realized that, as a 13-year-old, I could not be a good parent on her own to two children and I placed him for adoption.

So from the years between 15 and 24, my life was an even bigger mess.  Years of drug and alcohol abuse, sexual and physical abuse because of the men I got myself involved with I began using abortion as birth control.

I had got involved in several abusive relationships-my family didn’t want me so sometimes I had no choice-it was either that or the streets.  But in spite of all that I always made sure my son had a roof over his head and food in his belly. 
 
Back to the present. I was, like I said earlier, just so desperate for some glimmer of hope.  And one night, as I was lying, crying, being tormented emotionally, I looked online, and found anumber for an option line.  I called it several times and kept hanging up. But one night I stayed on the phone. I don’t remember what I had said or if I said anything or just cried.  I remember the lady asking for my zip code and then transferring me to another lady, who helped change my life.  She pointed me to God and I don’t remember how many days and how many hours or weeks we talked, but one night I just broke and cried out to God and He grabbed me and loved on me and it didn’t feel wrong.  He took all the hurts that I gave to Him and He was so gentle.  He forgave me!  He is changing me!  He loves me! The first time in my life I have ever felt loved!

My life hasn’t been a bed of roses since then, but I have hope.  I got someone to help me fight my battles.

God has allowed me to get very ill, almost on the brink of death, to show me that He has me in His hands, and that He is big enough to fix it all if I let Him.  

And some really cool stuff is that He is putting these people in my life who love Him too, and are helping me a lot.  Helping me to start believing the truth about myself.  And seeing myself as God sees me, not as people see me.  People that don’t even know me are seeing things that I was like, "OMG-your kidding?"  I mean they see potential in me. God’s potential in me. 

I know that I haven’t gone through all this junk for no reason.  I'm gonna tell y’all a couple verses that God gave to me…
 
I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. Ezekiel 36:25


I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. Ezeliel 36:26 

Those words. He made them personal to me.  And I'm so thankful. 
 
Here is a poem I started a long time ago, and then I finished after completing Forgiven and Set Free.
 
 
Dear mom,
 
You don't know my name,
but I love you just the same,
I never drew my first breath,
I was 16 weeks old when I tasted death
I longed to be held, kissed and rocked to sleep
while you prayed the Lord my soul to keep
Only I never had life or the chance to awake
I was conceived for a reason others thought was a mistake
Even though this happened long ago, you still feel empty inside
for with me died a part of you,  that abortion clinic lied
they told you that I was just tissue,,and that my right to live,
just wasnt an issue
they left you to cope in pieces in pain and alone.
they left me in a bucket, in pieces, ripped from my home.
 
Now I want to give you hope where you had none before
You see,,,right now Jesus is standing at your door
If you listen closely,
you can hear Him knocking
and if you are very still,,you will hear Him talking
Open the door of your life today and invite Him into
your life to stay.
He will forgive all your sins and heal all the pain,
you have only guilt to lose---love joy and peace to gain.
Jesus knew the value of human life, when He shed His blood
and paid the price.
He set us free from sin and death, to give all who come to Him
eternal rest.
 
Cindy


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