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Testimonies
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Brenda's Testimony at the 2011 March for Life
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Brenda
Arizona,
United States
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Let me tell you a story about how Planned Parenthood tried to plan my parenthood.
In November of 2006, I found out that I was pregnant. At the time, I was in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic. I felt scared and due to abuse in my own childhood, I was certain I did not want to bring a child into the world under those conditions.
I had gone to Planned Parenthood for other reasons in the past, so of course, it was the first place I turned. I went in for an ultrasound and was asked questions about my situation, which I shared with the technician. At the bottom of my ultrasound she wrote, “Patient will contact us if/when she plans to terminate.”
I was faced with and uncertain future and so on January 12, 2007, I reluctantly returned to Planned Parenthood to terminate my pregnancy. I must have walked out 20 times that day, but kept going back in. I even checked the box on my paperwork that read, “I am not sure I want to go through with my abortion.” Because of this, I was taken into a private room to meet with a counselor. After telling him of my situation, he told me that my child would likely be an alcoholic and I would have to deal with abuse from him/her when they got older, potentially watch them die because of alcoholism, and my life would be a living hell. Not to mention the abuse my boyfriend would put us both through. This spoke to my fears and so I took the pain medicine he handed me.
Soon I was on the cold operating table. They assured me I was doing the right thing. I laid there and wept, repeating, “My baby, my baby” as my child was ripped violently from my body. I will never forget the horrific noise of the machine that took my child’s life and broke my heart. I felt violated and alone.The nurse gave me antibiotics and paperwork and sent me on my way.
Immediately I felt a great sense of loss. I laid on my mom’s recliner with a vacant stare. I was in great pain emotionally and physically. I had thoughts of suicide and knowing I would never be able to do such a thing, I wished death would come find me. I had horrible pains in my abdomen and legs. One night the pain became unbearable. I went to the bathroom and a huge mass of blood and tissue fell into the toilet. I turned and stuck my hands in the toilet and picked up the remains of my baby as I lay on the bathroom floor weeping. This was all I had left of my child.
A couple of weeks after my abortion, I developed an intestinal infection from the procedure and excessive antibiotics. I lost 30 pounds in three months from depression and infection. I was miserable in every sense of the word. I didn’t care if I lived or died. The months that followed were filled with excessive drinking and other self-destructive behavior. I wanted to hurt. I wanted to suffer. I felt I deserved it for what I had done.
Two years later, I had a dream I was in hell, but I could see blue skies and a steeple in the distance. That is when I decided to start attending church, and in March 2009 I was baptized. I was beginning to learn of God’s love and forgiveness.
In August 2010, I attended at two-and-a-half day Rachel’s Vineyard retreat and for the first time in three years, I fully accepted God’s love and forgiveness. This was also the first time I had entertained the idea of self-forgiveness and the longest I had gone without drinking alcohol since my abortion. The retreat helped me to realize that I have only just begun to scratch the surface of my healing, but now I have a support system and a loving, forgiving God to help me through. I know I will battle with this one “choice” that I made for the rest of my life. I once saw a pro-life sign that said, “Abortion: one heart stops, another heart breaks.” The fact is, the effects are far greater. My abortion deprived my child of life, me of motherhood, my mom of a grandchild, my siblings of a niece/nephew, and the world of a beautiful human being.
I would never wish the heartache and misery I have experienced as a result of my abortion on anyone.
I stand here today to say, don’t buy the lie. There are always options, but abortion should not be one of them and this is why I am SILENT NO MORE.
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