No one ever told me about the guilt, anxiety, depression, self hate or the medical risks of having an abortion. 

I was nineteen or twenty and was in a long term relationship and we talked about marriage for our future. When I became pregnant, I expected it to put a date to our plans. Instead, I received a car ride to the local abortion clinic.  I had never thought about abortion, I wanted kids why would I.  I was in shock and hurt beyond my wildest dreams. The person I trusted the most had betrayed me. I never asked anyone for advice or told anyone what was going on.  I allowed him to make this decision and I wasn’t a timid person.  Between the emotional shock and the hormonal changes in my body my reaction was not in my character.  I didn’t know about the changes my body was going through and I had been disappointed by boyfriends before so I had no clue; I was in no condition to make a decisions that would change my life forever.

My family went to church, but we didn’t talk about beliefs or religion just that no matter where you are you find a church and go on Sunday.   I attended Catholic schools and public school.  I was a Catholic and I knew most of the rules, but I had the typical approach of take what I like and leave the rest.

When I went to the clinic, I was asked by someone if this was my decisions and I said yes. No other questions were asked. No explanations of what was going to happen were given. After it was over, I walked out got into the car and that was it. It was treated as if I had a tooth pulled.

A few days later, I started to cry uncontrollably and at odd times. I remember getting into my mother’s car to go somewhere and I started to cry; I hid my tears the best I could. The depression descended on me and I hated everything and everyone, but mostly myself.  After the crying period, there was the nothingness period. I was numb, I felt nothing. I tried to do things and no matter what I tried it was a vast nothing. I wanted to scream and cry again, but I couldn’t cry anymore.

I became preoccupied with wanting children, but with the hate I had in my heart I couldn’t stay in a relationship longer than three months. I convinced myself that God was punishing me by not having a relationship that would lead to marriage and my goal of having a child.
I had convinced myself that having a child would fill the hole in my heart and the emptiness.  Then after years and that didn’t happen, I convinced by self that God was going to punish me by never having children.

This went on till I was about 32 and I got pregnant.  I wasn’t trying at that point; I truly believe I could not get pregnant.  This time when the suggestion of abortion came, I had my speech ready. I felt like God gave me a chance to say what I wanted so desperately to have said the first time.  I told my boyfriend, “no I don’t have to have an abortion and I won’t have one”.  I left feeling better. I had a lot to figure out, but being able to say those words meant a lot.

My family helped in every way they could and I’m sure that would have been the case when I was younger. 

After I had my daughter, I started to emerge from my black whole I had been in for thirteen years, but I soon realized that you cannot replace one child with another.  I experienced the most incredible joy with my daughter, but there were some very dark nights after I put her to bed and I would remember what I had done.

I went to confession actually more than once. I never felt forgiven. I know in my intellectual mind I have, but it never goes further. 

One evening I was overwhelmed with emotion and I called one of those fortune telling hot lines.  (God can use anyone he wants)  She said something that shocked me. She said you never grieved for the loss of your child.  I was stunned.  I hung up the phone and started to grieve. I allowed the pain to the surface. 

Within a short time, I found my husband and we have two beautiful healthy girls.  My life became very busy with dance lessons, music lessons and living a normal life.  The past still haunted me, but I was able to push in back until recently when my oldest daughter told me about a friend of hers that was becoming sexually active and in a conversation about that she discovered that her friend would consider abortion as an option if she would become pregnant.  I realized I had made the same mistake my mother had made by not explaining my views of abortion to my teenage daughter. 

 I started checking the internet to educate myself about others that had similar reactions. I found out that the clinics that do abortions do not tell women the potential side effects and lie and hide the truth.

I listen to 911 calls to abortion clinics and video tapes of the workers instructing young thirteen and fourteen year olds how to obtain abortion without parental consent.  The thought of someone else going through what I have and due to lies started to eat at me like acid, but the only one who knew what I did was my husband. I had never told anyone else. I had to face my fear of my daughters and my family learning what I did.

Trying to be a role model for my two girls and hoping someone would learn from my experience has been my internal battle for many years. Unfortunately, fear was the tipping factor.  I’m in my fifties now and the pain is still as raw as ever.  The more I learn about how many others are like me and the lies that surround this issue is too important and I cannot keep the truth bottled up.

I called in one of those Catholic radio stations after listening to a young man in college say that unwanted pregnancy would stop someone from finishing college. I was angry enough that I called to say that having an abortion took away my desire to go to college and ruined my life.  Our kids are being told lies by pro-choice people and if we are silent that will be the only information they will hear.

They need to know the truth about abortion. The facts will be the cure for anyone who desires to go through with it.  The pro-choice people don’t want the truth out because it will destroy their money making industry and the devils plans to hurt God. I listen to a Planned Parenthood worker tell how she was told that the fetus does not feel pain and then watch a monitor in horror that was a lie.  We need to spread the truth and teach everyone the ugly truth. If we are afraid to teach this to our children they might find out too late as I did.