My story is unfortunately not unique.  I’m a post-abortion survivor.  I use this term to help others understand that not only does abortion kill the unborn child, but it leaves an aftermath of victims.  Abortion is not a “procedure” that a mother and father walk away from without painful, permanent scars.

I was pro-choice from the first time I heard about abortion, which was in 1981.  When I became pregnant in 1985, my boyfriend told me it wasn’t the right time for us to have a child, and there would be plenty of time for us to have a family.  I agreed without putting any thought into this decision because it was not yet a baby,at least that is what I believed.  I was barely five weeks along and had no physical reasons to know that anything was going on inside my womb.  I had the abortion and instantly felt more shame and fear about someone discovering what I had done than I had felt about someone discovering that I had premarital sex and had gotten pregnant. 

About eight months later I had a dream where I saw my baby boy.  I was holding him in my arms, and we were lovingly gazing at each other.  He was so beautiful.  When I woke and did the math, I realized that this was nine months after conception, and I had just seen my son.  As is normally the case the father and I did not stay together.  This was just the beginning of my post-abortion story and the long journey from pro-choice to pro-life.

I continued to be pro-choice and believed that I was merely mourning the loss of “potential” motherhood.  My life from this point was filled with destructive behavior.  I became promiscuous and began drinking heavily, anything to help dull the pain and shame I felt.  I also did what I could to prevent myself from becoming pregnant.  I felt I was unworthy of having another child.  I prayed that God would let me die in an accident so I would not have to continue feeling so much pain.  My shame kept me from seeking the help that I needed. 

A couple of years later I shared with a boyfriend about my abortion.  I began the process of forgiving myself.  Forgiveness came, but my shame stayed with me for another twenty-three years.

In the fall of 2007, I entered an RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) class.  In the spring of 2008, one of the priests shared his vocation story with the class.  I was shocked by the life he had led prior to entering the priesthood.  I was amazed that even priests can have sinful pasts.  It was hearing his story and learning the story of so many of the saints that made me realize that God had forgiven me, that I was worthy of his love, and that I did not have to be ashamed anymore.  When we had our class on the sacrament of reconciliation, I started examining my life and all of my many sins.  I felt the desire to help others who had been affected by similar pain, and so I asked to meet with the priest who had shared his story. 

We met on a Wednesday night, and I told him that he could share my story with anyone that he felt could benefit from my experience.  I also told him that I would be willing to speak with anyone who my story could help.  He asked if I would be willing to talk to the kids at the Catholic High School.  I said yes, that I would be able to get off work and was willing as long as I had enough notice.  He asked if I could come that Friday, as they had just started discussing abortion in one of the classes that Monday.  It just so happened that I had that Friday off and had nothing planned. I was about to go from only four people knowing about my greatest sin to numerous kids and teachers, some of whom I knew would recognize me from church.  God was wise enough to know that I would have been too frightened to take this step had I known his plan for me.  I was surprised that I didn’t feel terrified but instead a little excited.  I had made this decision to try to prevent others from going through the pain that I had experienced. 

After sharing my story with three classes and several teachers, what happened caught me by complete surprise.  No one looked at me with disgust as Satan had convinced me they would.  Instead I received admiration for my courage, sympathy for my pain, and love that lifted me higher than I thought was humanly possible.  I had a teacher who approached me in tears and thanked me.  She said her sister had an abortion several years ago and she had never realized the pain that she experienced.  She went on to say that she was going to call her that night and discuss what I had shared with her and let her know that she loved her.  I don’t know if I helped any of the students, but God healed me that very day.  Satan no longer had me in the bondage of shame, and I knew that I would be silent no more!

I will mourn my son and the lost opportunity of motherhood for the rest of my life as I have always wanted children.  I know that my son Francis McKinley knows that I love him, and that I was blind to the truth about when life actually begins.  In memory of my beloved son, I will not be silent about the truth that life begins at the moment of conception.

I have committed my life to helping other post-abortion victims and to help put an end to abortion.  If you are a post-abortion victim please do not wait twenty-three years to get help as I did.  God sent his son to die for our sins and he has forgiven us.  Do not let Satan hold you captive by feelings of shame!  There are so many wonderful programs to help you get past your guilt and shame.  The Silent No More Awareness Campaign is here to help you.

This is a poem written in memory of my son:


I Was Blind But Now I See
I was young, they said I had my whole life ahead
Finish college, establish a career instead
This isn’t the right time, don’t throw your life away
Leave that for later, nows the time to learn and play
You see I was blind but now I see
I wish I’d known then that you were meant to be
They said you were just a blob of cells, only potential life
What they called choice caused 23 years of pain and strife
You’d only been alive barely four weeks
Not just a blob of cells, you had a heartbeat
You were my son growing safe in my womb
Until by the doctor’s hands from your sanctuary did exhume
God showed you to me the day you would’ve been born
If from my womb you’d not been torn
No birthday parties, no Mother’s Day gift
No I love you mommy or goodnight kiss
These are just a few of the memories I missed
And with empty arms my pain still persists
Satan is the author of the lies and deceit
That abortionist and our government sale in the streets.
Satan had me held in bonds of shame
Convincing me to be silent to avoid the names
They’d call me a murderer and spit in my face
Nothing I could say, no pleading my case
Satan uses shame to blind us to God’s love
Amazing grace, a gift from above
Now there ain’t no shame in my game
Cause Jesus has taken away my pain
He died so that I could be free
Nailed to a cross on Calvary
You see God is our Savior on that you can depend
He’ll take away your pain and your heart he’ll mend
My son is in heaven and courage he gives to me
God is my strength to walk this stormy sea
I give a face to the holocaust of abortion
The pain, the scaring, and the destruction
I do this in honor of my son Francis McKinley
He was more than mere cells. He was my family.