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Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously


 
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Pamela's 2012 March for Life Testimony
Pamela
Pennsylvania, United States
         

Hello, I am Pamela from Pittsburgh, PA.  Thirty years ago I became pregnant when my IUD failed. I was eighteen years old and I was already living on my own and financially struggling to make ends meet.  I was always told that if I got pregnant that I would be on my own to raise my baby.  I felt totally unprepared for motherhood, I had no social support, and I was afraid of bringing shame to my family’s name.  I felt helpless, hopeless, and desperate and I made a quick decision to end my pregnancy.  My boyfriend had been planning a career move out of state, and knowing that our relationship would end, I knew the prospect of fatherhood for him wasn’t an option and that I couldn’t be a mom on my own. So when I told him that I was pregnant and going to have an abortion, he agreed to my decision without any further discussion, offered to pay the one hundred dollar fee, and to go with me. 

I had my abortion in a private practice and there was no counseling or discussion of adoption, and no referral to a pregnancy care center or information on resources available to help support me to parent my baby.  She simply asked if I was sure this is what I wanted to do.  I wanted to scream “NO - this is NOT what I want to do” but I felt terrified, trapped, and alone - and abortion was a quick fix to my problem - or so I had been told! 

I was fully awake for the procedure, and was overcome with dread and despair. As tears rolled down my face, I begged God for forgiveness.  Ten minutes later my life was forever changed.  The only child that I would ever bear was gone forever.  But despite all of the emotions and inner turmoil - I DID feel immediate relief and was glad that it was over.  I thought I would leave and just get on with my life as usual.  But I was wrong - I quickly discovered that I was in fact deeply hurt and wounded as I began to suffer from many symptoms of post abortion trauma.  I was overcome with guilt & shame, feelings of regret & sorrow, paranoia & fear that someone would find out about my secret and the condemnation that would follow.  I was angry! Especially at God for allowing this to happen to me.  Angry at myself for getting into this situation -- I couldn’t forgive myself for what I had done.  I tried to deny all these negative emotions by pushing them into the dark recesses of my mind.  But dates like Mother’s Day, Christmas, & the anniversary date of my abortion would stir these emotions up again. 

So, I smoked pot and drank and became obsessed with running and exercise – as a way to numb my pain, my grief and sadness.  My personal relationships suffered, and later my marriage failed. I couldn’t connect with my nieces and nephews.  I felt like I was living a double life - hiding behind a mask to cover my sin.  It was paralyzing, debilitating, and exhausting!  My heart, spirit, and soul had been crushed and I felt totally empty ad without purpose. 

For twenty-four years I couldn’t escape the heavy oppressive feeling of this huge, deep, dark void.  So I tried to fill it with promiscuous behavior, overachieving and busyness.  I suffered from depression and battled thoughts in my head of wanting to hurt other people. This was very scary and I thought I was crazy and so I isolated myself.  I had many suicidal thoughts and prayed that I would die - I believed I had committed THE unforgivable sin - I felt so unworthy, undeserving, and unlovable.  These negative self beliefs profoundly influenced my decision to never have children -- I believed didn’t deserve to ever be a mom!  And I also feared that God would hurt me or my child as punishment for my sin.  But praise the Lord that HE had a plan for me!

The start of my healing journey was when a friend shared with me about her own abortion and healing that she received.  She told me about the Forgiven and Set Free Bible study which I did, then I attended a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat for even deeper healing, and then I attended a Where Do Broken Hearts Go small group study.  As a result I have been so blessed to have received Christ’s healing, forgiveness, mercy and grace.  And I now have an indescribable sense of freedom, peace and joy, deep into the very core of my soul - and delight in knowing that I will be with my daughter, Lilly Rose, in heaven one day.  That is why I am Silent No More!


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