Twenty-six years and three months ago in October 1984, I walked into the Planned Parenthood right here in Washington, DC and ended my baby’s life.  I felt alone, hurt, confused, scared, embarrassed, out of control, but most of all numb.  I just wanted it over and abortion was presented as a quick and easy fix my mistake.  Everyone I turned to told me I had no other choice.   I turned my back on my faith, my upbringing, my intellect and instinct, my better sense that knew that what I was carrying was not just a clump of tissue as everyone said.  I walked into the center like a zombie.  I simply shut down.  I depersonalized my child; I depersonalized myself.  But the trauma of the abortion could not be numbed.

I remember the room, the cold table, the nurse who pushed me down and told me I couldn’t leave when I said that I had changed my mind.  I remember the cramping and the pain and the machine and the noise it made as it vacuumed my child from me into a cup that filled with blood and clumps of what had been my baby.  The doctor dumped the cup out in front of my eyes and attempted to piece together the remains.  He asked how pregnant I was and yelled at me when I said “six weeks”.  He had trouble piecing the parts together and said it would be my fault if I developed an infection from tissue left in me as it was too early to insure complete evacuation.  The sights and sounds of that day were forever etched in my memory and what was to be a quick and easy fix was neither.

I immediately felt deep regret and loss and tried to numb myself by whatever means possible.  I was told to get over it, not to talk about it, to just let it go away.  But it didn’t go away.  That pain and remorse became a part of me as real and my hands and teeth and skin.  I became broken, self -loathing, fearful, untrusting, until, miraculously, light and love reached out to me.  In my deepest despair I found God.  His love and mercy restored me!  No sin is bigger than the Mercy of God.  No suffering or regret goes without merit if united to the Cross.  God wants to transform us, to heal us.  He sees the hope when we can’t.

Thirty-nine years since Roe v. Wade; all those babies that are missing!  All of our babies that are missing! My baby is missing.  I can never bring him back.  Abortion is satan’s rage against God the Creator, against love and life.  But we can counteract that rage by meeting hate with love.  The temptation is to say “you’re crazy” to those who say it’s ok to kill babies but that’s not the stance that wins minds and hearts.  We can fight the distortion with Truth, with our testimonies.  That’s why I am Silent No More.