I had an abortion because my parents made me believe that there was absolutely no other option for me since I was only fifteen years old. I begged until I was exhausted to please allow me to go to an unwed mother’s home, deliver the baby and give it up for adoption. NO...NO...they were not having it! I lived under their roof so I did as they said or else. So, they made the appointment and we left one morning on the three-hour drive.
We arrived and I believe (I suppressed these memories so they are still foggy to me) I spoke with the doctor first. He asked me if this was my choice and I said NO, NOT AT ALL. He said he couldn't do it if it wasn't my choice. He then proceeded to tell me that he was NOT a murderer, if he was, he will be in jail. He also said, that "it" was just a "blob of tissue anyway", as did my parents! He went ahead and did the ultrasound and found out I was just past my twelve week mark so he told my parents to take me home and give me forty-eight hours to think about it. Oh man, my stepdad was outside yelling because I didn't do it.
So we went home and they had the entire family coming over, one by one lined up at my bedroom door to come in and tell me that I should have the abortion. Everyone except for my dear (RIP) Grandmother. She was the only one person that took up for me that whole time. I was so drained by the end of the forty-eight hours, so exhausted...I gave in. I believed that there was no other option.
It was a two day ordeal. I had to go in one day for the insertion of the seaweed in my cervix for it to dilate. That night, I was having the absolute worst labor-like pains that were actually making me vomit. I kept telling my mom I wanted that medicine out! She did end up calling the doctor and he said if we came back for him to take it out he would just have to reinsert it right away as it had already started the dilation process. I cried and rolled in pain and vomited all night.
When we got back to the clinic the next a.m. they took me back and gave me valium. I can remember sitting in a room full of girls as they talked about why they were having their abortion, why it was a bad time for them to be pregnant. There I was, looked to be the youngest in there, waiting in line for my abortion, with tears running down my face. The tears never stopped. During the entire procedure and after when I was in "recovery" I continually cried. I was heart-broken.
Right after, I had recurring nightmares of a baby crying and I would search frantically everywhere and could never find "her!" I’ve always hated the word abortion and if anyone around me said the word, it made me nauseated.
Today, I have some resentment toward my mom and stepdad for putting me through that. I want to ask the both of them...did you really think my twelve to thirteen week old fetus was a "blob of tissue" or were you just lying to me? I want to ask them how did they think making that decision for me would affect me twenty years down the road? What gave them the right to put my body and mind through that torture??
I thought I had forgiven them years ago but obviously I have not. Well, this was hard but feels kind of good to put it all out here for someone else to read.
Thanks for listening
All the Glory to God,