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A Piece Missing
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Michele
California,
United States
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When I was 20 I moved to France, fell in love, and got pregnant. We lived with my boyfriend's parents, and it was just assumed that I would have an abortion. I don't ever remember discussing it, I think we all agreed that that was what needed to be done, myself included. I don't blame anyone but myself, because I never objected to the idea.
It was done at a hospital, very easily, and I was quickly back to work. We never really spoke of it again. At the time, I felt like I had a minor operation to get a cyst removed from my ovary, which is what I told my job. No one in my life at the time questioned me or passed any judgment on me or even brought up the fact that I had actually went forth with actions that brought about the end of the beginning of the life of my child.
My boyfriend and I eventually split up and I moved back to the US. I began to think for myself about souls and what happens when we die and, even though I was raised Catholic, I began to really think about things that I had always been taught but never fully comprehended. I came to the conclusion that I had killed my unborn child, but I wouldn't allow myself to fully think about the implications of this. What mother wants to admit to murdering her child?
I married, divorced, entered into more relationships, got out of them, several of them, but was never able to get pregnant again. It seems like the one time that I was able to, I killed my one chance at having a child. Now I feel like I am being punished. I'm sure I'm being punished.
I'm ashamed that it's taken such a tragedy for me to realize the gravity of my mistake and I feel terrible that it was my unborn child that had to be the one who had to pay the price for me to learn how bad this is. I feel inherently bad and worthless. I have made five suicide attempts that have obviously not worked, for good or bad I'm not sure. But if I could go back and talk to myself in the past, I would beg myself to please, please don't take this decision lightly. It's not just a simple medical procedure like getting a filling. You have to realize that when you're entering the operation room to get the abortion, you are going to come out with a piece of your soul missing, and you're never going to get it back. All the money or anti-depressants in the world aren't going to be enough to make you whole again. I wish I could turn back time to give my child back the life I stole from him or her.
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