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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion
 

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Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously


 
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A Terrible Crime
Luz
Florida, United States

I am here [in front of the Supreme Court building] today because on March 6, 2003 I had an abortion. I wasn’t a young and inexperienced girl. I was a grown up woman, a wife, and a mother of two boys 9 and 3. I was 42 years old, but I was irresponsible and weak. Years before, my insurance company terminated my maternity coverage, and to reinstate it, my monthly premium would have increased by about $150 dollars. I could not afford to pay that much more. A few months before I got pregnant, I failed to pay my health insurance. With a history of pre-term labor, a previous pregnancy that cost over $100,000 dollars, and no health insurance coverage, my husband urged me to consider the abortion. I wanted this child but I gave in to my husband’s wish because I was a coward, my faith was weak, and I was afraid to take full responsibility if something went wrong, for example, having a baby with Down’s syndrome given my advanced age. We were too old according to my husband. Our comfort and the comfort of our two boys were threatened. After all, he claimed he was not asking me to do anything illegal.

Yet, I went to the clinic with the idea of stopping the abortion at the last minute. I thought that my husband would not get so mad if at least I tried to please him. (I did not know how afraid of my husband I was). When we got to the clinic, the woman at the front desk asked me what kind of abortion I wanted. None, lady, I thought to myself. My husband immediately jumped in and said, "She has not made up her mind yet. Is there any counselor she can talk to?" The woman next to her stood up and took us to another room. I told her "DEEP INSIDE MY HEART THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION FOR AN ABORTION". My husband told her that my problem was that I thought I was carrying a baby and not just a blob of cells. She assured me that my baby was "just a pinhead". Between her and my husband, they put the idea in my mind that I did not have to like it, that I did not have to want to go through with the abortion, but it was best to sacrifice my baby for the well-being of my other two children. How naive and stupid I was that I did not stand up for my baby when she compared him to a tumor. "Wouldn’t you remove a tumor?" she said. She made me sign telling me that I could stop the abortion at any time.

When it was time to go into the operating room, I crouched down and said, "I can't do this." Two other women from the staff lifted me up and pushed me into the room with smiles on their faces. No matter how much I struggled and battled with them in the room, they did not stop. The doctor never asked me why you are fighting. Do you want to do this or not? He even got upset at me because I was crying. After many times of me saying, "I don't want to, I don't want to," they gave me the anesthesia, and I went to sleep praying aloud, practically yelling OUR FATHER who art in heaven.... I was in such a panic state that I don't know if I was asking God to save my baby or to forgive me for killing him. When I woke up, I thought to myself I am not pregnant any more, and immediately I realized that my baby was gone forever, and that I had committed the most terrible crime of my life. I also felt violated and hurt.

In that moment, my living hell started. I felt my life was ruined, and I was on the verge of committing suicide. The only thing that mattered to me was joining my baby in the afterlife. All the reasons that my husband gave me to convince me to abort our child seemed stupid and ridiculous! I was right from the beginning... There is no justification for an abortion.

I am not trying to excuse myself at all from the responsibility I had in my abortion, but I do want to point out a very important fact: The majority of women that have abortions don't want to have them. They are coerced by their partners or their parents, and even psychologists, social workers, nurses, and other medical personnel. I am urging all the men and women listening to me today, never to pressure a wife, girlfriend, daughter, or patient into having an abortion. Instead, help them fight for the life of their babies.

The day after my abortion I was under the care of a psychologist, and then a psychiatrist but there was no magic therapy or pill to cure my sorrow, my grief, my regrets, my anger, or my anguish. I spent three nights without any sleep. I was urged to abort my baby for the well-being of my other two children, and after the abortion, I found myself incapable of taking care of them for almost a year. My days were filled with anger, depression, anxiety and flashbacks of that moment of horror. I miss my baby every day of my life!

I knew from the beginning that no human science or effort could save me. God was my only hope, but how could I turn to him now? I was fortunate that a week after the abortion, I was referred to Father Gabriel, and he introduced me to the Merciful God I had forgotten, and my healing journey began. Thanks to God’s Mercy, many bible studies, a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat, and all the wonderful pro-life workers that God has put in my life, I was able to make the choice to accept God's forgiveness, to believe that my baby forgave me for extinguishing his light before he had the chance to shine, and to forgive myself, my husband, the abortionist, and his clinic personnel and leave their judgment to God.

It has not been an easy road. I wake up every day and remind myself that I have to continue to work on my healing. I have been changed forever. Since I can’t bring my baby back, all I can do now to honor him is to speak the truth, and tell the world that abortion is not for women, it is against women! No one can hurt a baby without hurting his or her mother. Abortion did not protect me. It hurt me in every aspect of my being. I have suffered greatly physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Even my children and my husband had to pay the consequences. Abortion is not a quick solution. It will not erase a pregnancy, it will kill a child and it will scar your life forever. Nothing that I do will change this part of my history. I will always be the mother of a child destroyed by abortion. I am hoping that with my testimony many lives can be saved, and many mothers, fathers, and siblings can be spared the horror of abortion.

Today, I am asking all the women and men hurt by abortion to seek healing and restoration from the only one who can work that miracle…. from God through His son Jesus Christ. I am also asking them to speak up. We can’t be silent any more. I wish my husband and I would have known better, I wish we would have heard the testimonies that we are hearing today so that our third child Gabi would be alive!

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