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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion


Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously

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Will I Ever Be Free?
New York, United States

My name is Eric. I am a Christian, a husband, a father, and I work as a hairdresser in New York City. And I am torn apart by the fact that I did not stop the abortion of my precious daughter. Although I am covered by the blood of Jesus who died for my sins past, present, and future, I feel that there is still a price I must pay, a consequence, a sentence for my choice. Here is my story.

In December 2002 I began telling everyone, co-workers, clients and friends, how important two days were in my future. The first was January 23, the date my then three-years-old daughter would premier as a Gap model. It was going to be an exciting day to see her bigger than life in store windows all over Manhattan. The other was May 7, 2003, my daughter Emmanuelle’s due date. But before either of those dates arrived, my wife and I went for a sonogram and learned that Emmanuelle had a rare brain anomaly, which would cause seizures and clenched fists. The doctor was very upset that he had to give us the news that our daughter was not perfect. He said "we’ll talk about options tomorrow morning," but we never talked about options.

Instead, on January 15th, my wife and I let the doctors kill Emmanuelle. I sat nearby quietly praying while the doctor inserted a huge needle into my wife’s belly as she lay sedated, and injected a salt solution straight into the heart of my precious daughter killing her instantly. Afterward I thought, how can I ask God to bless me after what I have done? "The prayers of a righteous man availeth much" (James 5:16) therefore, the prayers of an unrighteous man availeth nothing.

When my wife went to the doctor for her post abortion checkup, she learned that the doctor had taken a picture of Emmanuelle after she was aborted. I suppose it is a picture of her lying dead on the table shortly after the delivery. I’ve never looked at the picture. I still cannot believe that my wife brought that picture home.

I don’t know if my marriage can ever be restored. I look at my wife and am reminded of the sin we committed. Though I love my two beautiful children, I am constantly reminded that one is missing. How will I tell my children about their sister in heaven? Will I ever be free of the guilt and shame? I look forward to the day when I can ever so humbly ask her for forgiveness.

On January 23, 2005, I traveled to Washington, D.C. to participate in the March for Life. While there, I met men and women who also had abortion experiences, some more than twenty years ago. Their abortions hurt them and changed their lives just as mine did me. We all aborted for convenience only to find out we would never have convenience again.

There are constant reminders of what I have done, and I find myself wondering if I will ever get back on the path where, at the end, I will be met by God saying, "Well done good and faithful servant." For now, I am committed to speaking out in the hope of waking up the medical community and to reaching out to other victims of abortion, particularly the husbands and fathers. Maybe by helping them I can help myself.


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