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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion


Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously

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Indiana, United States

I grew up in a not so good environment.  I was sexually abused by a family member and ended up pregnant at a really young age.  At the time this was all happening I didn't realize that it was a total bad thing.  I trusted like a child!

They ended up drugging me and taking me to the clinic, and I had my first abortion.  I didn't realize until later what really happened to me.  I was confused and don't remember the experience much, which was probably a good thing!  The thing is, though, it opened a door in my life on the inside that no one could close.  I became very sexually active and was using prescription drugs to the numb the pain in my heart and soul! Once that door was opened, though, it was no big deal for me to have abortions.  I mean, I was told it wasn't a baby anyway, at least not yet.  So I could have all the sex I want and, if I got pregnant, I could just pay a couple of hundred dollars and make it go away! 

I went through many years running from my past and trying to change my future!  I ended up getting to know Christ on a deeper level and finally gave my heart to the Lord! The thing is though I was still missing out on something in my life. I was blessed later in life to have four wonderful amazing boys! Even in that I really felt alone.  I also felt like I took something from my kids that I could never replace. I stole from them the chance to have a relationship with their brother or sister.  I took something from the children that I killed!  I became used to running and stuffing things inside so I could get by and so no one would know what I did or the pain that was really in my heart!  
I ended up getting really heavy into activities in my church like Celebrate Recovery and some other things.  I really thought that being involved was all I needed to do.  Then I got into leadership and it seems like everything changed.  I ended up helping others that have been in my shoes.  I could give them all kinds of advice.  I mean, I knew the Bible and all the right answers and I could preach it, but I couldn't practice it in my own life.  I knew that Christ forgave me of all my sins including my abortions, so why was there any reason for me to have to deal with my abortions separately!

Then one Sunday in January we had Reta at our church and Tanya from Reta gave her testimony.  I felt like I was dying on the inside but couldn't tell anyone why!  After church my Pastor talked to me, and I asked him to pray for me because I wasn't doing well.  Out of the blue he asked me if I ever had an abortion.  I was honest and told him the truth, and he encouraged me to meet with Tanya and take the Forgiven and Set Free class!  I met with her on a couple of occasions and finally agreed to take the class.  I wasn't sure what was going to happen but, as the class was going, I thought, “Okay Chrystal, you got this.” I mean, I knew all the right answers to most of the questions.  I knew the Bible and so I did enough to get by! 

Then one night we were on the forgiveness lessons, and it felt like my whole world was shutting down.  I totally lost it, I felt like dying on the inside.  For everything I knew about the Bible, just realizing that God wanted to forgive me, seemed almost impossible for me!  I didn't want it, I didn't need it, I told myself, and I, finally, for the first time in the class let everyone see the real me and the real pain on the inside that was causing me to go crazy!  I finally had to get real with them and real with myself and God, which was honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.  But the minute I got real with the Forgiven and Set Free group and finally was able to let Christ really come in and show His love for me and how completely He really did forgive me, I was finally able to come to terms and forgive myself!  I was able to give my children that I murdered a proper “see you later” kind of thing!  I was able to name my children and to really fell free for the first time in my life! Yes, there are times when the enemy will come in and try to make me feel worthless, but that is when I can go back and use the tools that the Forgiven and Set Free class has taught me!

I want to help people from all paths of life suffering from rape, sexual abuse, and abortions because I get it.  I have been there and, when I was struggling, I would have given anything to have someone come in and help me.  That is why I am silent no more!  I want to see others have the freedom that I have in every walk of life! 

Thank you for letting me share!


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