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Giving Pain a Purpose
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Lindsay
Alabama,
United States
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I was 19 years old when I found out I was expecting a child. To me this was the most detrimental news I could receive, worse than a death sentence.
Not knowing even where to begin, I told my boyfriend and for about a week after we did not talk about it. But then I began to experience morning sickness, and we knew that we had to make some sort of a decision about how to handle the pregnancy. We came to the decision to proceed with the abortion. We were both terrified. We were not fit to be parents. What would our parents think if they knew? We were so afraid of letting our parents down. The saying "hindsight is 20/20" has never been so accurate.
So we scheduled our appointment at the clinic for January 14, 2009. We walked in, filed out some paperwork, and waited for my name to be called. The emotions that flooded me are too many to put into words. Even to this day I can close my eyes and feel the dread and anxiousness in my mind and heart.
Then, after what took an eternity, I was finally called back to get everything started. They were very formal and professional. After changing into a gown and taking a pill to help calm my nerves and relax me, I was escorted into the "operating room". The doctor walked in, did what he was there to do, and left. Not one word was exchanged, to me or the nurse. I was then taken in to a recovery room. Then, immediately, the guilt and regret flooded me. I just tucked it under my arm and life went on.
I got married in 2011 and became pregnant in July of that year. That is when everything came rushing back to the surface. Even though this time we had done everything the right way and I wanted so much to be 110% excited about this pregnancy, all I could think was how much I did not deserve this baby because of the one I CHOSE to murder.
I was then blessed with a beautiful daughter the following April. This is when I realized it was time to forgive myself. If I ever wanted to love this beautiful baby girl the way she deserved to be loved, then I needed to learn how to forgive in order to offer love.
Finally, after months of struggling to do this, I was finally able to receive the full healing that I can only credit God for! I absolutely adored my daughter and husband. But until I finally let God step in and have absolute full control over me and my life I wasn’t able to love without condition. I thank God every day that everything was used for His glory.
I have been able to share with a few people about my struggles and the hard decision of terminating a pregnancy. Through this, the support of my family, and My God have I been completely healed. If my story can help one person it will give every ounce of pain a purpose. And this is why I am silent no more!
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