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Testimonies
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From Pain to Acceptance
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Nancy
Virginia,
United States
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My name is Nancy Tanner and in 1984 I made a decision I deeply regret. I was estranged from my first husband, raising two young daughters as an elementary school teacher. I wanted to protect the ones I loved from an unplanned pregnancy. There was no way I could have the baby, whose father told me “It’s your choice what to do, but I will pay for the abortion if you have one.” That was not the response I wanted to hear.
Everyone I turned to told me I had to get an abortion, and I did. Instead of the quick and easy fix to my situation I was promised, my abortion sent shockwaves of pain in every direction. The actual experience was brutal. I felt as though my insides were being torn apart and the doctor poured the remains of what was in the jar on a tray in front of me and yelled at me that he couldn’t find all of the body parts because I had only been six weeks pregnant. I wanted to die and decided to bury the experience and never let it affect me or anyone else in any way. But no matter how I tried I couldn’t.
After a brief period of relief I found myself falling into a deep depression. I became self-loathing, anxious, detached from those I loved. I tried to ease the pain I felt in all kinds of self-destructive ways. My relationships with my parents and children and friends suffered as I distanced myself. Who could love me after what I had done? At my lowest point, when I no longer wanted to live, I discovered that God still loved me. Mary, the Mother of Jesus, lead me to Him and to healing. I began praying at abortion clinics and counseling women not to have abortions. But I could never admit to anyone that I had had one myself.
The consequences my abortion rippled on. I married the father of my aborted baby and no matter how hard we tried, intimacy and trust issues plagued our marriage. We were blessed with two more daughters, but I always missed the child we no longer had. There remains a hole in my heart and in our family. When my husband died suddenly that loss brought back the pain of missing our child we never knew. I vowed to keep the abortion a secret so as not to further hurt those I loved. When I became involved with Silent No More, Georgette told me that they likely already knew on some level. When I started sharing my story in public I knew I had to be truthful with those closest to me. I loathed the idea of hurting them, but I trusted that the truth would lead to healing for all of us and it has. As long as I kept the abortion a secret, it had control over us. My two younger girls attended my Rachel Vineyard memorial Mass and I shared a letter I wrote to their aborted brother, Robert Joseph. They embraced me and let me know how much they loved me. I thought I had been protecting them with my silence, but I realized I’d also been trying to protect myself from their judgment and rejection; from being deemed unlovable in their eyes.
The shockwaves of my abortion affected everyone in our family but healing and truth has brought some unexpected joys. One of my older daughters, Katie, shares this “…the hard part for me growing up was watching you struggle without understanding what was going on (lots of crying, guilt, withdrawal, etc.). But the silver lining was that abortion was never even a consideration when I became pregnant. It was unthinkable after what I know it did to you and to all of us.” In fact, my two oldest grand babies are both here because, though unexpected, their moms choose life instead of abortion.
I want to share a note from my youngest daughter, Cortney, with her permission:
“Obviously, I had very mixed emotions when you told us about your abortion. Part of me wondered what it would have been like to have another sibling. Part of me wondered if you had that baby, would you still have had me. I definitely thought about how things would be different, especially because you felt like it would have been a boy. I wondered how it would be to have a brother when I was only used to sisters. I wondered if he would have looked like daddy, and tried to think of what I would look like as a boy just to imagine him. I think it would have been nice to have another part of you and daddy. But mostly, I knew how much that decision and action changed your life and broke your heart and I hated that. After you explained your decision to us, I understood where you were coming from and I know that in that time, you felt like you had nowhere else to turn and no other options. I hate imagining you in that situation feeling so helpless and alone. Knowing what happened opened my eyes to why you are who you are, and it made me understand you so much more than I had ever had. I finally understood that it wasn’t just about disagreeing with the idea of abortions, it was the fact that you didn’t want anyone to feel how you had and suffer how you have since you made that choice.
In truth, has that decision you made so many years ago affected my life? Yes. Can I state exactly how? No. I have no idea how things would have been, and it’s hard for me to imagine, so I don’t often think about it. But I am so glad that you told me. It’s brought us closer, and I share with all who may consider abortion as an option the truth of the deep regret and damage abortion brings to all involved.”
The shockwaves of my abortion continue. But the healing love of God and His truth changes them from pain to acceptance, and yes, in some aspects, even thankfulness and joy. That’s why I am Silent No More!
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