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Living with the Horrible Loss
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Isabel
South Carolina,
United States
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I had an abortion because I thought it best for the baby to be with Jesus rather than to be with me. I was an exotic dancer in Las Vegas, was on drugs, and drank to avoid the fact that I couldn't shake being molested as a child, raped in my teens, and abused physically and mentally by an ex-boyfriend. I got jobs that would exploit women because I felt like I couldn't offer anything else. I have a low self-esteem and didn't have many friends because I didn't know how to trust people.
During the abortion procedure I experienced indifference with the staff; I was just another statistic in the sad fact that abortion is legal. I was told that they couldn't proceed with the abortion unless I looked at the fetal monitor, which just made me cry because I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew that I was sending my baby to Jesus. I just couldn't go through with being pregnant and being a drunk, druggie, whore. I really did think the baby would be better off in heaven.
What I didn't think of was the fact that I would be suffering still, fourteen years later. I regret having an abortion; I think that the so called "doctor" even touched me inappropriately because he viewed me as an easy target. I was grossed out, drugged up, feeling remorseful. I have to live with this horrible loss. Even though I accepted Jesus as my savior and He has forgiven me of that sin, I still have a hard time trying to forgive myself; I need support and help overcoming this tragic loss, and I pray no other woman experiences this type of suffering. There is hope out there I know and that's why I am silent no more.
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