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Testimonies
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Picking up the Pieces
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Teri
Florida,
United States
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My abortions:
I am 54 years old, and am still suffering emotionally from three abortions I had 35 years ago. I believe that was the start to many choices I made in my life that have led me to where I am today. I wasn't given any other alternatives except abortion, and I didn't know what it was other than what I was told to do as a solution to the pregnancies. (Keep in mind that this was back before internet. We still had card catalogs in the library and microwaves and calculators were being invented). Marriage to my long-term boyfriend was refused with the first two pregnancies, and my mother arranged for my third abortion.
The abortion process:
I arrived in the facilities, where the procedures took place. I was extremely confused, tired, and stressed and very young (20). It seems like I remember that there were some brochures about adoption, but I didn’t really look at them because I didn’t equate pregnancy with a baby. I was very naïve back then and my mother was the type who threw orders, but didn’t talk about anything. (My period started and I asked her about it. Her response was, “Here’s a box. Read the directions.” The box had a belt in it with some attachable pads and I had to figure it out. It was in the 70s.) As a curious child, when my mother said, “Don’t ever let a boy put his hands in your pants,” I had to find out what she was talking about. Thus, my pregnancies. I was rebellious in some ways, but in other ways, I naively did what I was told (abortions). I would say that I was a victim, but I also must take responsibility for my choices. My boyfriend made the arrangements for the first two. My mother made the arrangements for the third. I showed up and walked into those horrible places and did what I was told.
I put my feet into stirrups and they spread my legs and sucked my babies out of me with a vacuum. It was extremely painful. They gave me some type of warm compress for my stomach, but it didn’t help much. I was still confused, in pain, and then my boyfriend drove me home and dropped me off.
The last time, I was by myself. I had told him that I didn’t want to see him again and left for another state. My mother arranged for my abortion via family doctor, who found out who to send me to. Again, I followed directions (like a sheep to slaughter) and afterwards, sat on the beach with a friend. All I really remember after that was that I wouldn’t go into the water for a month because I was afraid the blood would attract sharks. My boyfriend tracked me down because he had found out what state I was going to college in and called every college in the state to track me down. I found a memo from the school office from him on my dormitory door that said, “I love you,” with his name on the caller line. I waited three days, and then called him. He asked me to come home and marry him. I told him, “I’ll think about it.” I went home 2-3 weeks later. He dated me for a while, got me pregnant again, and then broke up with me.
Immediately after the abortions:
I was still so confused, but I knew every time that something was desperately wrong. This was wrong! But I was trapped into a cycle of my own doing, because I was having sex outside of marriage. I loved this boy desperately and he loved me, although he was scared to death of marriage due to his own parents’ divorce at a young age.
Long-term effects:
My marriage came about through threat (I told him that he could either marry me this time or never see his child or me again). I wasn’t sure how to pull it off, but I was serious and he knew it. When we informed my mother, she said, “You made your bed. You lie in it. Don’t call me for babysitting.” In spite five years of a very rocky start and many strikes against us, we made a great 30-year marriage by brushing the effects of the abortions under the rug as best we could. I had many short-term depression episodes because I found out early in my marriage exactly what an abortion was through a very graphic pamphlet given to me by my grandmother. I think my mother must have told her I'd had an abortion, and she and my grandfather were very principled Christians who judged others harshly. Whenever the "a" word came up (military lingo, billboards, bumper stickers, church), I retreated into my shell in a sea of misery, and then tried to just forget thinking about it. I have never had any type of counseling (it wasn't a choice due to finances, and also to pride - husband wouldn't let me because counselors are not confidential and he was a small-town businessman). He chose to not talk about it, and mostly ignored my pain. I’m sure he was uncomfortable dealing with an emotional wife, but each depressive episode was short-lived, as I hid everything for years and was determined to give my sons a wonderful life full of happiness.
Although I married their father and raised two sons, I am now divorced after 30 years of marriage, and trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. I have a master's degree in education, but am an emotional wreck (outside of school). I departmentalize very well, pouring everything I have into educating children, so it hasn’t affected my work. Rather, I’ve become a perfectionist and workaholic.
Even with this painful past, I remain a “half-full” and forgiving person, and am outgoing in small groups of friends or one-on-one. I was closed-off for many years with adults, pouring everything I had into my husband and children. I am now realizing I have very close friends, which I never had before because I wouldn’t confide in anyone. People (both friends and family) can be very judgmental and so I learned to choose “safe” friends to confide in. My friendships are very slow coming, but the friends I have are very close.
I have taken many brain-based classes and part of my master’s work is in social skills in the classroom. Talking through and resolving problems have been a key to my behavior management. My students learn many problem-solving skills together. I teach anti-bullying strategies and help them understand that they are safe with me while working through problems. Effective teaching comes through the rapport I build with children and the help I can give them along the way, not just with education. When you spend seven hours a day with young children, you work through a lot. They have troubles with family and friends that they blurt out in their innocence (even publicly), and I’ve witnessed a lot of “stuff” kids go through. Much of my work with children, I believe, stems from my desire to help others, and to be close to children.
I loved raising my boys and cherished my family, even though it has been a challenge (all families are). I can look back now and know that I have spent my life trying to help children (my own and others). Some I have been successful with, and some I have not.
I believe now that the abortions from my youth led to a life-time of hurt that was never dealt with, resulting in choices I made for emotional survival, and to save the life of my oldest son. I became determined to give my children a perfect life and their dad and I gave them the fairy tale (they don’t know the real story). I have lost my oldest son now to bitterness on his part (I learned to hold everything in and keep silent, until the point that I didn’t remain faithful to my husband anymore and succumbed to an affair with another man.). My youngest son is now in long-term rehab, having been raised in a “perfect” family and having never learned how to talk through problems. He has learned to make outward appearances look very perfect, while brushing problems under the rug. Neither of my sons knows about these abortions, and I believe my youngest has also aborted his own child, which I could have possibly prevented had I been able to talk. I believe that my silence has now also killed my grandchild. I have two beautiful, glorious other grandchildren who have been taken away from me by my oldest bitter son (who doesn’t know how difficult it was to give him life).
I have poured my life into working with children, possibly as a balm to my wounds, and to have my grandchildren taken from me has been devastating. I don't know if I can ever heal the wounds my family has suffered, but would like to possibly help heal other families.
My ex-husband has remarried, travels extensively, and I’m sure tells my children that he still has no idea what happened (he doesn’t – all he knows is that I was unfaithful and lied to our family for two years). He did love me very much, and I loved him so much that I forgave him and made a life with him. My oldest son has recently moved abroad (military transfer) and has refused communication for the last three years. My youngest is in rehab for prescription pain pill abuse, suffering on his own on the other side of the state. He doesn’t know my story, but I have hinted that I am working on many painful things in my past. He loves me and has been supportive and non-judgmental of me, and while hurt from family issues and his own drug abuse, we are beginning to talk more and I hope to someday be more open with him and help him with his own abortion trauma. It’s hard to know how to (or if) I should be open about my past, because anything I say now to my children will look as if I’m trying to discredit their father. My parents have disowned me because I lived with the man I was unfaithful with. My significant other (recently ex) has encouraged me to do whatever I need to do to heal and prayed with and for me often. However wrong it was, I will always be grateful to him for what he brought into my life as we lived together for three years after my divorce. We studied the Bible together and had many philosophical and Biblical discussions. I began reading self-help books addressing all areas of my weaknesses and sin, and have since broken off my relationship with him, as there are too many issues that complicate our relationship (age difference, separate family issues, unresolved guilt on my part for infidelity, financial, social stigma, etc.). The only family who completely loves me and forgives me is my sister, who lives across the country. She's been a great help through my ordeals during the last few years. I have some wonderful girlfriends that have helped me also, and are encouraging me. I never had friends before because I became isolated within the walls of my family circle. I have also learned through sharing with “safe” friends that there are many women who have gone through abortions and who also do not talk about it. The topic is taboo in our society, even though it is very much a reality. They too regret their abortions, and I believe who also do not have a way of dealing with it.
I have recently decided that I must do something to help prevent others from making the same mistakes I made, and suffering the way I have for so many years. I am a Christian woman trying to live with my choices. I know for a fact that I am completely forgiven by God (I have been given amazing signs), but the guilt and suffering and long-term effects continued for decades. I believe that God wants me to stop my silence and share what has happened to me. He has been speaking to me this way for most of my life, but I had nowhere to turn, and was not emotionally ready. I am now becoming strong enough to do so. This is why I am now “Silent No More.” Thank you to your organization for helping women (and men) become strong enough to speak out. While excruciatingly difficult, it’s essential to know that God can (and does) forgive and that there are now places to turn.
I sincerely hope that with my testimony a child’s life could be saved and women and men will know that they can be forgiven.
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