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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion
 

EXPRESS YOUR REGRET

Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously


 
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Please Think Twice
Elise
Oregon, United States

I did it. It is insane knowing that I did it, but I did it. I had an abortion. Saying the word is hard enough, telling you my story will be worse. It was one year ago, never have talked about it, but here I go.

I found out I was pregnant on August 15, 2014, ten days before I turned 18. The last time I had sex was six weeks before.  I did use a condom, but I know they do not always work. In my mind I was six weeks pregnant.  I was not happy and I knew I had options, but I decided on not making any decision at the moment.

Later on I made the decision on my own, I would have an abortion. I am the perfect angel, the high school cheerleader, the girl who is going to college in just over a month’s time.  The last thing I needed was a baby. I changed my mind constantly, but I knew having an abortion was best.

Found out that the nearest abortion clinic from me was a four hour drive one way. I had a vacation coming up in New York City.  It was my way of celebrating my 18th birthday, so I started looking for clinics around New York City. I had no problem finding them.  In fact, I found one located just a few blocks from the hotel I booked. I called them and made an appointment for August 29th.

I was thinking about cancelling the appointment, but I never did make the call to cancel. This clinic was down the road.  It was perfect, plus it was far from home so that I would never see the place again.

That morning was not easy for me. I had tons of second thought!  “I cannot believe I am pregnant! I cannot believe that I am going to have an abortion in just a couple hours.”
The cost for the abortion was $395, and I had the cash in my hand. I looked at it as a fee that would fix a problem and, if I didn't pay this price now, then I would end up paying more later on. It was strange looking at the cash, the idea that I would use it to have an abortion.

I found myself at the clinic, did some paperwork, and eventually I was called back. A nurse and the doctor came on in, both of them nice and polite and kind. I was not terribly uncomfortable, but I still was having second thoughts.  I knew I could walk out and leave, but I also knew that I would still be in the same situation later on.
 
They did an ultrasound on me but after a few minutes I felt like something was wrong. The nurse went out and a few minutes later another doctor came in, he also looked at the ultrasound. The doctor told me that I was not eight weeks pregnant.  I was in fact 14 weeks. I was happy that I was 14 weeks, I knew that I could not have an abortion and that I could leave and never return! But what the doctor told me next was unbelievable, he said, "Don't worry, we can still remove it." I honestly believed that abortion was not possible after three months, but I was wrong. I asked him if it was safe, and he said that they do abortions up to 24 weeks, so 14 weeks is no issue.

I was 14 weeks pregnant. I started searching my brain, trying to remember 14 weeks ago.  Who did I have sex with? It was a high school graduation party, and it was on that night that I became pregnant. I was lost on why I did not notice sooner, but I am a very athletic female, I have always had irregular periods, and I just did not notice.

I then wondered how big the baby was. Fourteen weeks is a long time. I asked the nurse if I could see the ultrasound picture, but she told me that it was policy to not show the patients. I then asked how big the baby was, but she told me I must ask the doctor.

The first doctor came back, and I asked him how big the baby was. He told me that, "It is not a baby, it is simply a mass of tissue." I felt better after he told me this, but I still believed in my mind that 14 weeks was far along and that I was in fact doing something more.

The doctor left, and I tried to think for a minute, but all of the sudden some lady from billing comes in the room. She informs me that the cost for the procedure is $695 and that she could set up an appointment for 6pm today. I needed $300.  I did not have it, and I saw myself finally finding a way out of this place. I told her I do not have the cash. She then opened the door, calls for the doctor, and he immediately comes inside. They started talking money, like I am just a ghost, like I am nothing but I dollar figure.
 
The doctor informed me that the price will be higher the longer I wait, he also told me that it could be a week before another appointment is available and that I should take the 6pm appointment for that night.

I felt like I was in a rush! First I was told I was 14 weeks pregnant, then that I need another $300, then that I should book the 6pm appointment now. Nobody asked me if I was okay with this news that they just told me, all they wanted was money.

The billing lady left, the doctor closed the door, and he told me I have another option. I am of course all ears,  I would love a second option! He told me that the clinic works with local medical students and that if I agreed on having the medical students come in and watch the operation I could get a lower fee. He told me a drape would be placed over me so that my face would not be seen, all the students would see was the operation.

 I did not like this idea, the idea of who knows how many students looking at my lower body and watching a procedure that I am still not positive that I want. I say nothing, just a long pause on my part, and again, before I can honestly think about it, the doctor said that if I could pay $500 then that would work. So now it is $200 less, I guess that works, but before I can think or speak he walked out of the room and then the billing lady came in immediately after.

She gave me more paperwork. I must agree that I am okay with medical students watching the procedure, I must sign and date the sheet of paper. I also must agree on paying $500 but, when I sign and date this, I must pay the $500 no matter what.  “No refunds" is what she said, as I am on a "special rate." I signed the paperwork, gave her my cash and my credit card, and I finally had the chance on just breathing.

I breathe the best I can, still in shock at what I am doing, when all of the sudden the nurse came in the room. I thought I was going home, but instead I must take my clothing off and get in the stirrups. I did not understand, the appointment was for 6pm. But I was told that, because I am 14 weeks, I must have my cervix dilated. I did not know this, nobody told me this, and I asked her why. She told me I could ask the doctor when he came in.

I was waiting for her to leave so I could have some privacy, but she looked at me and gave me this "Let’s go" look. I started taking my clothing off when the doctor walked right in, no knock no nothing. This was all so fast, and I had no time on thinking! I got in the stirrups, and he just got to work, did what needed to be done, and said nothing. I did not ask a thing, I just let him do it. I feel pain, nothing serious, and I am at a loss on what is going on. In maybe 10 minutes it was over, he told me to not eat anything for the day and to come back at 5:30pm.

I now have 7.5 hours of thinking. I got back at the hotel, and I started telling myself that I should get my laptop out and look for 14 week pregnancy photos. I must find out if what the doctor told me was true, that all I have in me is a mass of tissue. But I then remember that I have paid $500, no refunds, and if I did not do it then I was out $500, plus who knows how much more for an abortion later on. The payment and the appointment had been made.   Now I just had to get it over with and not think about it.
5:15pm arrives.  I thought that I should get going, but I can’t. I told myself that I should arrive late, this way they cannot do it, this way I could relax and think. I arrive at the clinic at 5:45, thinking that I can get out of this nightmare, but instead the receptionist called my name and said that they are waiting.

I am taken back to the room, every step was heavy, every step was one step closer to the worst thing imaginable.  “It is only a mass of tissue” is what I tell myself, nothing more.
The nurse is already in the room.  She was kind and reassuring and telling me that everything would be okay. I was shaking  and having problems taking my clothing off.
I was having issues in knowing what was going on. The nurse helped me out of my clothes; she even took off my shoes for me. She helped me get on the bed, placed my feet in the stirrups, and then gave me a simple question, "You ready?" I did not answer, I said nothing. She then said it again, "You ready?" I said nothing.   She then told me that I must answer yes or no. I then asked "What if I say no?" She told me I could go but that I could not get a refund. Again, I was nothing but a dollar sign.

I say yes.

She placed a sheet over the top of my chest and raised it over me.  It became a wall between my body and my head. I could not see anything .  I was frightened, I felt confined. The nurse then opened the door and said, "The patient is ready." She came back over and looked down on me, caressing my face, and told me that everything would be okay. I hear footsteps.  I had no clue how many students have arrived, but I felt like a dozen guys have joined us.

I was told what would happen next, but it sounded like the doctor was talking with the students more than me. I felt my heart skip a beat, I was having trouble breathing, but the nurse just kept  caressing my face telling me everything would be okay.
“I should not be doing this!” I thought, “I can still stop this!”

I was given a shot, I had a mask placed over my face, and I fell asleep.

I do not remember any of it.

I woke up in this room, the nurse looking at me. "Everything went great" was what she told me. I felt pain, my mid-section hurt! I knew what I did, but I tried to not think about it. The TV in the room was on and I tried to think about what I was watching over anything else.

I got a ride back to the hotel. I was in my room at who knows what time, and I slept.
Next morning I got up.  I looked in the mirror, and I cried. WHY DID I DO THIS! I am in so much pain, both physical and mental.  WHY DID I DO THIS!

It would be January 2015 before I got the courage to look at photos of 14 week pregnancies. I was right, it was not a mass of tissue, and it was a baby. I should have looked at the photos before I did it.  I know I would have changed my mind, but I never did look because I didn't want to deal with the truth.

Did the baby feel pain? Was the baby a boy or girl? Did the baby know what was going on?

Where is my baby now? This is what haunts me the most. Was it just medical waste?
I cry most when I take a shower, not sure why. A year later and I still cry.

I had thoughts of suicide, thinking of ways on how I should do it. I should kill myself, something I said over and over again! I obviously never did it.

It has been almost a year since I had my abortion, and I am hurting more than ever! When the day of the anniversary comes I have no clue how I will react.

I still have not found forgiveness, but I hope that talking about this will make me forgive myself. The silence was killing me inside and maybe this story will keep me going and look at the future in a better light.

For the pregnant woman who is reading this PLEASE PLEASE  PLEASE THINK TWICE!

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