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Testimonies
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No Empathy
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Kiyanah
California,
United States
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I had three abortions. My first abortion was in my senior year of high school and my second one was about six months after. My last and final abortion was in 2010, before I rededicated my life to Christ and was re-baptized. There were similar reasons that I had these abortions. It was due to the pressure of others and my weakness and low self-esteem in my relationships.
I don't really remember my first two experiences, only that I went to Mexico for my first abortion, because I was too far long. However, my last abortion, I felt so humiliated in the ultrasound and recovery room. I remember being so afraid and hurt. In turning over after the procedure was done, the nurse said to me, “It's time to get up; you'll have time to grieve in the recovery room". I felt so rejected, and there was no empathy for my hurting soul. I never thought I would be back in this place, especially in a more committed relationship.
Immediately after the abortion, I felt so ashamed, disappointment in myself and the father, regret, and hurt.
As time went on after the abortion, I felt anger towards myself and disrespect towards the father, as well as shame and guilt. I experienced fear of being in relationships, due to being afraid that I would allow someone to compromise my faith in Christ. I was afraid that I would allow people to influence me to take actions that were degrading and against my morals.
I found help and forgiveness by not placing myself in old relationships that influence sexual behaviors and disrespect towards my character. I also found help by praying, keeping a journal, and fellowship with like-minded believers in Christ Jesus, both inside and outside of church. I also share my story with those I believe need it most, or those with whom I am growing in deep friendship. That has helped me heal.
After years of guilt, shame, and not trusting to give myself to others, I began attending conferences and meeting new sisters with whom I can be transparent. I continue to seek Christ. He has taught me that God has truly given me through the power, anointing, cleansing, hope, forgiveness and joy in Jesus Christ. And that is why I am silent no more!
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