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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion


Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously

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Irreplaceable Loss
Ontario, Canada

Today, my children would be 35 and 33.

At 15, I became pregnant.

I was afraid to face my parents’ disappointment and anger. Finding out, my mother took me to our fatherly family doctor.  He scheduled a D & C; the word abortion was never mentioned.  He said it was just a clump of cells, an unhealthy growth.

I was afraid to do it and afraid not to.  There was no sense of being comforted, only one of necessity.  I did as I was told.  After the abortion, I had heavy bleeding and bad cramps. We never spoke about it again.  Inside there was a new aloneness and extra emptiness.

At age 17 I got pregnant again, trying to fill the hole that the first abortion had left in me.  Afraid, I waited until I was 16 weeks before telling my mother.  I knew that in Ontario you couldn't have an abortion in hospital beyond 12 weeks.  It never occurred to me that I could be sent somewhere else.  My mom arranged for me to go to New York City. Vulnerable, I felt paralyzed to say or do anything except what I was told.  I flew to NYC by myself and took a cab to a doctor's office on Park Ave.  Taken into a small room and told to change into a gown, I lay on a table with my feet in stirrups, and was given a local anesthetic. I felt everything. I remember the scraping feeling; the feeling of the vacuuming; the feeling of the baby fighting against the abortion. I cried out.  The doctor told me to be quiet, so the other patients wouldn’t hear me. There was nothing kind or caring about it. I flew home and my mom picked me up. It was as if nothing had happened. That night I went out with my friends and got drunk.

I felt lonely and so guilty - worthless.  After all, who kills or allows to be killed not one but two of their babies?  My drug and alcohol use increased dramatically. I sought love and approval from men the only way I knew how, with sex.  All I had ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother.  Now, who could possibly want me?  I suffered and still do from depression.  I had constant gynecological problems.  When I finally did have a baby, I felt inadequate and unworthy as a mother.  The sight of babies was hard for me. Their total helplessness and vulnerability were a constant reproach to me.

My healing began when I turned back to God and to His Holy Church.  I will be Silent No More because of the loss that cannot be replaced and the violence that cannot be undone.


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