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Testimonies
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Suffering and Healing
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Julia
Ontario,
Canada
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Hi – I am Julia from Mississauga. I regret my abortion – I do. But I didn’t at the time, in 1976, or for the next 23 years. At the time, my new career was more important than a new child. Being sexually active before marriage was okay with me. I thought being sexually active was part of the dating relationship and it seemed the way to fill an emptiness in my heart. But the consequence – pregnancy – was NOT okay– it was a problem. I did not allow myself to think or feel the reality of my new child. My immediate needs were more important.
So, quite easily, I had an abortion – problem solved. A few years later, I met the man I married and we have two wonderful sons. Sounds like that should have been the beginning of a happy life!? Well, it wasn’t. My young children expressed their emotions freely, immediately; they had a joy of life, they cried easily and made up quickly, and then went on to the next adventure.
They were triggering something inside of me. My emotions. What do I mean by that? Well, I would cry too, but I wasn’t bouncing back as easily as my children.
I became less and less able to prepare meals, healthy meals, in a timely fashion. Co-coordinating several outings or events per day /per week was too stressful.
My self-confidence as a mother was eroding. I became jealous of my husband – of the time he spent on other things and with other people. My self-confidence as a wife was eroding.
When I went back to full-time employment following the birth of my second son, I tried so hard to be perfect. After a few years, I suffered from burnout, then quit, and tried a completely different full-time career. I failed at it. My self-confidence as an employee and as a contributor to our family finances was eroding.
What was wrong with me? During those (23) years, I went to my doctor, I went for therapy, all different kinds of therapy. Nothing seemed to help me get to the ROOT which was triggering my negative issues.
One Sunday, in the winter of 1999, attending weekly mass with my family, I picked up the parish bulletin and read: “If you are depressed from having had an abortion or having helped someone have an abortion … help is available”. Upon reading this, my body went into a kind of shock – I couldn’t breathe, I felt numb and paralyzed. No one had previously put these TWO WORDS together – depression and abortion - abortion and depression. Was this my missing link? Well, it took me two weeks to gather my courage and make the phone call for help.
I attended Second Chance Ministry’s Thursday night support group for people suffering from post-abortion trauma. I listened to others share their stories: of suffering and struggles. I listened to their journey of healing. In this safe place, this confidential place, I finally was able to share my SECRET!
I found out: That I had stuffed and shoved my abortion secret so far down and out of thought and mind, that I had not been able to see the link. That, subconsciously, as a result of my abortion, I had put up bars in my mind and heart – set myself up in my own internal prison – unable to fully participate with family and society, because, if they knew what I had done, would anybody TRUST me? I could not trust myself, even though I had tried so hard to be a good person. You see, buried deep in my heart was the knowledge of the truth that I had cruelly cut off and cast out my child. As I attended the weekly support group, I LEARNED: I was sorry for killing my child AND I was forgiven! I learned: If I admitted the fetus had indeed been my baby, who had been created as a precious new person, the ultimate gift, I then could love my child. I allowed myself to FEEL the loss and to MOURN the death of my child. I faced the regret, and I repented of taking her life. THEN, I experienced shame and anger – towards myself and society – I learned to forgive those involved in my abortion experience. These are all part of the healing process. The most difficult part was: to forgive MYSELF – but in time I have accepted forgiveness.
I believe that my child is a girl – she is in heaven. I have named her MARISSA. I now face the world and stand here: WITH her, WITH family, WITH friends, with YOU, and WITHOUT those internal prison bars. I want you to know: there IS suffering after abortion, and there IS healing. I AM SILENT NO MORE.
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