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Testimonies
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Not the Same
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Amanda
Florida,
United States
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I had my first abortion when I was sixteen. I entertained the idea of having the child, but my boyfriend would not hear of it. I also was fearful of my parents. They were strict and I was already the "shame of the family". I was afraid of disappointing them again. We drove to the Women's Health Center in Tampa, Florida, away from our home, to have the abortion. I came out a different person. For this abortion, I was put under, so I do not remember the procedure specifically. I was sick and torn as soon as I was able to communicate. I cried all night. I broke up with my boyfriend of four years and fell into a deep depression. I was angry at him, a lot for not giving me any other option, another for not sharing my remorse. I felt we deserved death after the incident. After months of emotional episodes, causing my parents wondering what was going on with me, I finally told my mom what I had done. At the time, she thought I was acting out because I hated her. I wanted her to know it wasn't her. I hated myself. So, I told her. I remember lying on my bed with my face partially absorbed in the pillow and handing her the business card of the clinic. I don't know why I had held on to it. It was something to remember my baby, I guess. I handed it to her and told her what I had done, how much I hated it, and that was why I had been acting the way I did. She sat in silence for a few moments, then looked down at the card, ripped it up, and said we were never going to talk about it again. She then left the room. To this day we have never spoken of it.
I was 21 when I had my second abortion. I also had a soon to be two year old. I could hardly take care of him. The father and I had a casual relationship; he had two other children he did not take care of and another on the way with his ex. He initially said he was against abortion, but it was my body. I immediately made an appointment with Planned Parenthood in Winter Haven, Florida. Since I thought I would be put under again and unable to drive, I actually had a taxi drop me off at the clinic. While sitting in the waiting room I noticed a few people setting up lawn chairs outside the clinic. I didn't understand what they were doing, and I don't recall reading what their sign said, although they had a sign up. As soon as they started setting up, a clinic worker came over and slammed the blinds down. I was still unaware of the great debate over pro-life and pro-choice. Although I regretted my first abortion, I still knew I was unable to afford another child, and the view my family had of me didn't change much still at that point. I wish to this day I would have understood. I wish I would have seen something from those individuals that would have struck a chord with me, something to bring me out of that clinic.
I was called back, given two pain medications, and soon later taken back for the procedure. When the abortion doctor was about to begin, I tried sitting up. I was starting to feel sick, and I suddenly felt uneasy. The "nurse" standing by my head looked me in the eyes and asked, "Are you okay?" I responded, "I don't know." She put her hand on my shoulders and eased me back on the table. The abortion doctor started, and it was painful. I cried. I screamed. The nurse held my shoulder and hand the whole time, and it was over fairly quickly. I went to the "recovery room" where there was, I believe, about four or five other girls around my age. I was sobbing. The nurse gave me some juice and crackers, but I don't recall eating them. I recall the stares from the other girls. They were emotionless, and no one spoke to one another. Soon after, I was led out of the clinic. I sat down on the curb and phoned for another taxi to take me home. I don't recall any individuals waiting outside. I was in a fog for the thirty minute drive home. It was only until this past year that I opened up to anyone about the second abortion, considering only a few knew about the first abortion.
I became an angry, depressed, suicidal alcoholic. My life has been everything but right for most of it. I came to know God on a personal level in 2011, and my healing began. I was raised in the church, meaning that I went on Sundays with my grandparents, but I had no relationship with God. As soon as I was old enough to say I didn't want to go, I didn't go. When I came to know God on a personal level, I was able to truly repent and accept His forgiveness, love and mercy. I regret my abortions, while at the same time, I know that anything bad, turned over to God, can be used for good. I hope that the more I share my story, the more it will come to light, even for one person--that abortion kills more than just the growing life inside a woman. It kills some of the woman as well. You will not come out the same person that went in.
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