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Testimonies
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Cancer of the Soul
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Kathy
Illinois,
United States
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In 1977, I was an unwed mother of two boys. In those days they were referred to as "illegitimate.” When I was pregnant with my second son, I lost my family. I was the official "black sheep,” and they wanted nothing to do with me. When I was pregnant a third time, I knew I had to have an abortion. My kids and I had just been allowed back into our family, and I didn't want us to lose that again. Even though I was pro-life, I decided for an abortion.
Mine took place at a local hospital. I wasn't in good shape the entire time; I was either numb inside or crying. Raised a Catholic, I knew this was a very grave sin. Afterward, instead of feeling relieved that my "problem" was taken care of, I began a downward spiral of self-hatred and abuse. I found escape in drinking and smoking pot. Spiritually, I was dying inside; it was a tragic cancer of the soul. I could never look in the mirror again and see anything but ugliness.
After a painful divorce about 16-18 years later, I returned to my church. I went to confession, but I still never spoke of my abortion outside the confessional. I found a church that had many activities in which I could get involved. The people were warm and loving. The priest there had hired me to work for him. He was very good to me and my youngest son, who was born during my marriage.
One day I learned that a young woman in my parish was coming in to see Father because she was thinking of having an abortion. I believe the Holy Spirit prompted me to go to Father and share my story with him. I wanted to witness to this young lady not to do this tragic thing. That's when I learned that he was involved with Rachel's Vineyard. He began counseling me himself and brought much healing into my heart and soul. He reminded me that although my sin was a very grave matter, the Mercy of the Lord is greater; there is no sin that God wouldn't forgive if we had true sorrow.
I began a time of healing. I planted a rosebush with an angel statue in my yard as a memorial to my child. I named her and wrote her a letter. All this helped me greatly, yet there was more work for me to do. I still never spoke about her or the abortion in a public way. I wasn't ready.
Today, 40 years after the abortion, I am ready to "fight the good fight," as St. Paul said. I know in my heart that only those of us who have had an abortion can speak the truth about the damage it does to the women. It can literally destroy you from the inside out. I am both scared and excited to speak out at our Pro-Life Prayer Service in January. For the first time in 40 years, I don't have to be hidden in any way. I am going to make a difference in the lives of other women. There is bound to be some woman listening to my talk who is imprisoned by this same secret. God is going to use me to help her find healing. There is going to be someone who is thinking of getting an abortion, and God is going to use my words to stop her. Good can come from evil when we allow the Lord into our healing. That is why I am SILENT NO MORE!
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