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Gotten Worse
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Jake
Mississippi,
United States
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The day I found out I was pregnant I stuck between feeling excited and scared. It felt so unreal. When I told my boyfriend the good news, I didn't receive the type of response I dreamed of. He asked if was I keeping it, and I said I didn't know because I was still in shock and felt like I wasn't ready, but, ready or not, I was going to have to be. He told me to get an abortion instead. I was confused because he always wanted a baby.
Everyone else was happy until I told them my plans. I was ashamed to tell them, my partner really didn't want the baby, so everyone felt like it was my decision to have the abortion. Honestly I felt I was forced. I cried and I tried to change his mind.
I made my appointment. However when I made it people were outside holding signs, and I felt horrible. Once I saw my first ultrasound my heart melted. The thought of me being a mom just moved me. I went home and begged for the last time, and he said he wasn’t ready.
So I took the pills instructed, and it was over. He didn't try to see how I was feeling and showed no feelings toward it.
After the abortion I became depressed, eating less, wanted to be alone, had suicidal thoughts, and more. A few months later his baby mother announced her pregnancy and that he was the father. That hurt me to the core. I felt cheated out of my first pregnancy. Bad luck came out of nowhere, and I thought God was punishing me because, without the father’s help, I still could have raised the baby alone. I was too weak to stand up for myself and the baby.
Two month later I was pregnant again by him, and he didn't want the baby. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage due to stress. It has been almost a year, and it has gotten worse. I pray for forgiveness, but I haven't fully forgiven myself or my partner.
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