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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion
 

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No Choice
Jess
California, United States

In 1989 at the age of sixteen, I became pregnant for the first time.  My parents said I had to have an abortion, or I would not be able to live there.  I had nowhere else to live.  So, I went to the abortion clinic.  After filling out forms, I walked out. I couldn’t do it.  I went a second time and got as far as getting into the room and changing into the gown.  But then, once again, I felt hot and weird and knew I had to go.  I tried one more time to get an abortion.  This time I made it all the way to the nurse getting ready to put the shot in my arm.  I said no and left.  I decided to keep my baby and handle whatever would come.  I ended up living in a Christian home for unwed mothers until I gave birth to my son.  But while I was there, I was pressured into giving him up for adoption.  So, I did.  I left the hospital without my baby and fell into a deep depression.  A week went by and, with pressure from my son's father, I changed my mind and got my son back.  I had nowhere to go, as my family completely turned their backs on me.  I knew I could not take my new baby on the streets.  I was only sixteen!  So I took him to his father's family and gave him to them. 

A couple years later, I became pregnant again with someone I was not in love with nor did I have plans of staying with him.  I called my mom asking for help.  She picked me up and told me that I was going to get an abortion this time.  I did not listen to her the first time, and now I could see that she was right.  She would do everything, and all I had to do was cooperate. She did.  She made the appointment, took me, sat, waited for me, and drove me back to her house. She told me that this was done, and it would never be mentioned again.  She told me to pretend it never happened and get my life together.  I felt so nauseous and terrible.  I was so numb.  I did not want to do it, but I felt I had no choice.  How could I have it?  My mom sounded right.  I already had one child I was not raising.  I was still in and out of shelters and friend's houses, but nothing was permanent.  I was a troubled youth and not making the right decisions.  I had no money.  I had nothing. 

Fast forward to 2011. After being silent for almost twenty years and having converted into the Catholic Church, I was preparing to have confession.  God placed my abortion on my heart to confess and I did.  The priest asked me if I had attended an abortion healing, and he gave me a pamphlet on Rachel's Vineyard.  I called them the next day and confirmed my attendance at a retreat in the fall.  At the retreat, I felt God's presence and His healing.  I was able to name my baby, have a memorial for her, and most importantly, I learned for the first time that I have always been her mother, always.  I learned that I am her mother right now, and I will always be her mother, regardless of what I did to her.  It was such a beautiful experience, and that is the reason why I am SILENT NO MORE!

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