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Finding True Self Love
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Sus
California,
United States
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I had three abortions, at ages 15, 16, and 17. I am now 53. I was recently talking with my 19 year old son, and it got me digging deeper into the consequences of birth control pills, the sexual revolution, pornography, and abortions. These all bloomed together in the mid-1950's. I believe these changes all work together to destroy human value. They capitalize on making objects out of women and men for money and gratification by glorifying sexual freedom, condoning it as liberating, empowering, positive and powerful without any consideration of the consequences. What a bunch of trash! Many of us were sold a truck load of trash, empty of any values. I sure was, and I look around, and I see its consequences everywhere.
I grew up steeped in deep darkness and ignorance. I was raised by a mother who was profoundly void of any value or worth other than being a sex object to the many men she had. She taught me about abortions and promiscuity and to throw up if I ate too much.
When I was in the tenth grade, I was so proud to do my book report on "The Happy Hooker,” as though I was exempt from the consequences of normal mortals.
I started having sex around fifteen, or more like fourteen if you count all the close calls. I was empty inside and felt I was nothing and there was nothing to me. I had so much anxiety around my sexuality. I had no confidence to set boundaries, let alone believe I had a right to say no to people.
Drugs, alcohol, sex, and no morals all worked together to keep me in bondage to all these lies.
The first abortion at fifteen was terrifying. I was sick with fear, shock, humiliation, and shame. I desperately wished I could take it away. I felt the biggest burden and load of responsibility, which was a good thing. I felt the entire load on me; I was so alone and he had no consequences. The father was a really sweet guy and said he'd support whatever decision I made. I think he regretted my choice. I could never see him again afterward. But did I stop? I was in the drug and party crowd and at sixteen I started dating a 21 year old. I had abortions two and three. I became an object and felt my only value was sexual. Abortion number two was the same feelings of terror and being alone and responsible. The clinic was neutral, but I felt deeply ashamed. The third abortion had the same devastating feelings. The clinic had a doctor that was very compassionate and had me go under sedation. It was all so terrible. I look back now and feel like my heart and soul was ripped out of me more and more every time. No wonder I had these empty feelings and low self-worth and confusion about who I was or what my values and my boundaries were.
I found help and forgiveness through Al anon, OA, Bulimics anonymous, and AA. I have applied the same AA 12 steps spiritual program for various problems since the age of seventeen. The 12 steps helped me to apply Biblical values but not a religion to heal my life's hurts.
Now it’s time to heal this big hurt. All the spiritual teachings say to forgive and to love. I believe this is part of my healing. I am in need of forgiveness and have caused others much pain in my ignorance. As I heal though my own humility and honesty, I begin to extend this mercy to others. This mercy is not to become a doormat or deny offenses but is through awareness and true self love. To practice presence in God enables me to have good boundaries, extend forgiveness, and extend grace and love to others. After all, my sins are truly accounted for, and I have repented. I am loved by God fully. Why do I feel the need to hold onto my resentments and the pain I have felt others have inflicted on me?
After years of pain and burden I have found the solution to all this pain found through Biblical principles and have received God's forgiveness. I forgive myself, and I finally feel free from the shame. That's why I am silent no more! Thank you so much for giving me a space to express all these deeply personal things and for your healing ministry.
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