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Testimonies
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Becoming Free
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Angelina
Ontario,
Canada
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Filled with fear for the future, I chose abortion to erase a date rape.
The promise of abortion did not include what I would truly experience:
The icy cold instruments;
The severe pain;
The sound of the high-pitched vacuum;
The sight of the bottle next to my right foot filling up with blood.
The complete powerlessness I would feel when I realized I could not undo what was happening.
There was no mention of the shame, the guilt, the remorse.
There was no turning back.
I experienced a sense of death and the reality of a soul.
From my soul I knew what I had done was wrong.
I cried from the depths of my being and I couldn't stop.
Immediately after the abortion, I was sedated.
I hoped I would never wake up.
Eventually I boarded a bus to go home.
As I saw my reflection in the window, I thought, “I hate you. You will never be able to fix this!”
As time went on, I tried to run away from myself. I changed my name, address and job.
I fell away from friends and family.
In my prison of guilt, shame, depression and self-hatred, I turned to alcohol, drugs and sexual affairs to numb the pain.
Suicidal temptations ensued.
Talking to a helpline counselor gave me so much relief.
I was validated in my belief that my past actions were wrong.
When I married, abortion came to the fore again.
Abortion connectors sent me into emotional anguish:
Pregnancy, babies, motherhood, doctors, dentist drills, vacuum cleaners, mirrors.
To avoid marital intimacy, I poured myself into my job.
With excessive drinking and smoking, I swallowed the painful memories of the abortion.
I starved myself.
I couldn’t conceive. Was God punishing me?
Healing began with an ectopic pregnancy that took the life of our son, Joseph Michael, and nearly ended mine.
Grieving his loss, I found courage to face the abortion death of my first child, Sarah Elizabeth.
Losing Sarah Elizabeth, Joseph Michael, and our genealogy, our family life has often been agonizing.
With the help of a weekly support group, Entering Canaan and Rachel’s Vineyard, I grieved their loss, asked forgiveness and became free to move on.
Abortion did not undo the date rape. It eliminated our children and robbed us of future children.
I regret my abortion and the loss of future generations.
I will be silent no more.
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