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Testimonies
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Looking Into the Eyes of my Son
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Lindsey
Missouri,
United States
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I had an abortion because I was nineteen years old and getting divorced from my husband. I had been married for two years and found out I was pregnant after we had filed for divorce. I told him about our child and his first response was, “Have you thought about an abortion?”
At this time, it had not even crossed my mind to have an abortion. I had known people who had had abortions, but I thought I would never be that person who so carelessly flaunted God's greatest gift. I was persuaded to have an abortion in a city two hours away from where we lived.
The abortion clinic was part of a national group. It was a very cold and sterile environment. First, going into the lobby was a large seating area where it looked as if we were cattle going to slaughter. Women were crying and some were yelling at family or friends. It was a humiliating experience for me. I was alone with my best friend. Thank God for her. I don't think I could have survived this experience without Kat.
I was seen by an ultrasound technician to determine how far along I was. I was 13 weeks. I asked to see the sonogram and was rudely told, no, I could not see it as it could cause me to change my mind. I was then taken back to talk first to a nurse and then to a doctor. I was given Misoprostol. It was supposed to induce labor, and I was able to go home after the first dose was given. I had to go through the post op surgery area when I was leaving and saw probably thirteen girls who had just had abortions. Some were still drugged up while others were crying. It was horrifying. I went home and had an at-home abortion. It was painful and scary.
I was scared to leave the house for about a week. I took off work, claiming I was sick. I never let anyone know what was going on.
Immediately after the abortion:
At first, I felt relieved but then I started to feel regretful at the fact I had just killed my own child. Even though it was not by my hand, I killed a helpless baby. That regret is something I still deal with today.
This situation had several long term impacts on my life. It solidified the end of my marriage. I had a severe struggle with depression, and I actually was hospitalized for several weeks as a result of it. I started drinking heavily to self-medicate against the pain. It never worked. I drank more and more as a result and ended up almost dying from alcohol poisoning.
I have had a hard time maintaining relationships with my significant others. I rushed into a hasty marriage and was promptly divorced after only a year, which was hell.
I found help and forgiveness through my church and my husband. I finally met my husband in 2014. He was God's gift to me. He is kind and understanding and thoughtful. He has helped me work through my nightmares and my pain. He does not judge but instead tries to understand a young girl's pain and suffering.
After years of pain, I went through my second pregnancy and was able to receive God's forgiveness, and I forgave myself after staring into the eyes of my newborn son, who is my entire world. Because of him, I am finally free from the shame. He is why I am silent no more!"
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