I was 19 years old, working a low paying job, and my boyfriend had just moved across the country to join the military when I found out I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend the news, it was clear he wanted an abortion. Our relationship was struggling due to various other reasons that were made worse by the distance between us. I was terrified of becoming a mother, and the thoughts of having no money to support the child weighed on me heavily, not to mention the threat of a broken relationship that might leave me to raise the child alone. Because of these things I decided to have an abortion. It is a choice I have to live with every day of my life.

When my mother and I went to the hospital about an hour away to have the abortion, I felt nothing. I was completely numb through the checking in process, while talking to the nurses, being taken to the operating room, while being put to sleep. I felt nothing at all, no pain, no anxiety, just numb. Even waking up afterwards, in a huge recovery room filled with other women who had just made the same choice as me, I felt nothing at all. The hospital staff treated me like a part in an assembly line, with blank faces that were neither caring nor condemning. It was just another day, and I was just another girl.

It was this numb feeling that carried me through the months and years that followed--I believe it was a defense mechanism to try and hide myself from the horrendous thing I had done- killing my unborn child. I also had other things to occupy my time, partying, drinking. We moved to New Brunswick when he was posted there with the army, and our relationship was in a downward spiral. To make a long story short, I became involved with another person (who would become my husband), and my relationship with the father of my first child ended badly.

When I met my future husband he was also in the army but had been raised in a United Pentecostal Church and had even been a licensed minister, before backsliding and enlisting in the military. Looking back, this is where I can really see God starting to work in our lives. I had never so much as stepped foot in a church service, but as time went on God brought us to a UPC church where we gave our lives back to God, and I experienced His wonderful mercy and forgiveness, was baptized in Jesus' name, and was filled with His Spirit.

We were married in the church and a few months later I became pregnant again at 23, this time thrilled at the thought of having a child. However, down deep in my heart, I still carried the weight of my abortion. Although I knew God had forgiven me for that awful sin, I had not forgiven myself and the numb feeling persisted at keeping me from feeling the pain and guilt of what I had done. It wasn't until our son was born that I began truly experiencing the emotions I kept buried for years. The pain was unreal, and for days I was lost in thoughts about the child I had thrown away. Every time I looked at my sweet baby boy I saw the child who never had a chance to be held, loved, comforted, the child who never even got a name. I condemned myself, felt completely unworthy to have been given such an amazing husband and beautiful son. I couldn't see or believe any more how God could forgive such an awful thing.

After days of wrestling alone with this burden I opened up to my husband about how I was feeling, and he gave me simple comfort and support. He reminded me that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us, that He still loves me and always will, and that my sins are washed away under His blood.

I still wake up and face the reality of my actions every day- -no amount of regret will change what I've done. But I take comfort knowing I have a hope in the One who shed His blood for me, that someday I'll  meet my baby in heaven, and my family will be finally be whole. I pray that my story will glorify God and be a testimony of His mercy and grace and hopefully will help someone else who is struggling. I will be silent no more.