I had my abortion due to pressuring from my mother and grandfather. I had three other children, and my family felt that I didn’t need anymore and couldn’t take care of another child.

My grandpa paid for it. My mom took me to the clinic in St. Louis, MO. I felt as if I were just another number. The nurses and staff were emotionless as was I, until I was able to see the ultrasound. I was in the room by myself, and I broke down in tears. I lied to the nurse when she asked if this was my choice.

I went into the procedure room and lay down. A nurse held my hand. I remember immense pain and tears rolling down my face. It took no more than a few minutes. I was then escorted to a cubicle-like room with a chair. I was given a birth control shot, crackers, and a drink. I left with my mom. It was a silent ride back to Mexico, MO. My body was weak, and my heart was empty. A few hours later I was screaming in pain, as the medication had worn off. I lay on the floor by myself and cried.

I have suppressed these emotions for many years. When I begin to think about my child I have always just shook it off and redirected my thoughts.  But I cannot do this anymore. I am miserable and think about the worst choice of my life. I often think, "How can someone EVER do that?!" And here I am…that someone. I wonder things like, was my baby male or female?  What would I have named him/her?  How would my life be different if I would have stood up for myself?  Does my mom or grandpa have any regrets?  Do they think about it?  Does it hurt them like it does me?

I cannot continue to live life in pain and sorrow.  And that's why I am silent no more!