I had my abortion due to pressuring from my mother and
grandfather. I had three other children, and my family felt that I didn’t need
anymore and couldn’t take care of another child.
My grandpa paid for it. My mom took me to the clinic in St.
Louis, MO. I felt as if I were just another number. The nurses and staff were
emotionless as was I, until I was able to see the ultrasound. I was in the room
by myself, and I broke down in tears. I lied to the nurse when she asked if
this was my choice.
I went into the procedure room and lay down. A nurse held my
hand. I remember immense pain and tears rolling down my face. It took no more
than a few minutes. I was then escorted to a cubicle-like room with a chair. I
was given a birth control shot, crackers, and a drink. I left with my mom. It
was a silent ride back to Mexico, MO. My body was weak, and my heart was empty.
A few hours later I was screaming in pain, as the medication had worn off. I lay
on the floor by myself and cried.
I have suppressed these emotions for many years. When I
begin to think about my child I have always just shook it off and redirected my
thoughts. But I cannot do this anymore.
I am miserable and think about the worst choice of my life. I often think,
"How can someone EVER do that?!" And here I am…that someone. I wonder
things like, was my baby male or female?
What would I have named him/her? How
would my life be different if I would have stood up for myself? Does my mom or grandpa have any regrets? Do they think about it? Does it hurt them like it does me?
I cannot continue to live life in pain and sorrow. And that's why I am silent no more!