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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion
 

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Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously


 
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Life with Purpose
Crystal
California, United States

I never knew how I truly felt about abortion until I had to deal with it myself. I was raised with a Christian background and knew abortion was morally wrong. I told myself I would never do that, but it was okay if other people made that choice. I never gave any thought to abortion ending a human life, but rather saw it as a “right to choose”.  That mentality cost me the life of my first child.

When I was 16, I met the man who would become my husband, in high school. We were young and in love and together constantly. It wasn’t long before I became pregnant.  The fear and panic immediately set in. The fear is so overwhelmingly real that it outweighed any rational decision.  We knew we had a support system in our parents, but we didn’t want to disappoint them. We also didn’t want the shame associated with being pregnant at this age. So we didn’t tell anybody. The only thing we could think was “How do we FIX this?”  So we called the “experts” – Planned Parenthood.
 
They did not counsel me or inform me of all my “parenting options”.  The main concern was scheduling me an abortion appointment. “We can take care of this for you” they said. And the appointment was made, just like that.  Prior to my abortion appointment I was advised to not communicate with the sidewalk advocates, who were made out to be like monsters. So, on my way in, I had tunnel vision to the door, even though no one was screaming or yelling at me. The only image I quickly saw were people in prayer.
Through the door was a very somber place. Nobody was happy or celebrating this “choice” they were making. Every face seemed lifeless, like everyone had to remove themselves from where there were in order to cope. The staff was not warm or friendly, but rather cold and distant. It was similar to the DMV, where you are just a number with a dollar sign, not a person with a story.

A sonogram was taken, but I was not able to see it. I never connected with my baby.
Shortly after that, I was disrobed in a hospital gown, offered a valium, and waiting for the procedure. I was terrified, I was cold, and I was alone. My child’s father was there but had to stay in the waiting room the entire time. I didn’t meet the doctor until the procedure, and the intro was brief. Nothing along the lines of a caring “pep” talk. The room was bare, stark white, chilly, and uninviting. I lay down on that hard table and put my legs up in the stirrups, trying to fight back panic and tears.

I had a surgical abortion. It was the most extreme pain I had felt in my life. I felt like my insides were being sucked out of me, and I lost it. I was crying and shaking, which disrupted the doctor, who became very frustrated with me and told me to stop crying and keep still.  He was trying to hurry, as he was behind schedule. I accepted that because I thought, “I’m choosing to be here and they are giving me what I want, so I’ll do as they please.”  So I lay there as tears streamed down my face, realizing that I had exercised my “right to choose,” to end the life of another human being, and not just ANY human being, MY child. There was nobody there to tell me that I had another choice, and I did have one, which I realize today.

The feeling of relief that I was hoping for afterwards never came. Instead, I felt regret, shame, remorse, guilt, and a loss. As parents, we are ingrained with instincts to protect our children, and I fought that for my own convenience. I made a promise to myself and future children that I would never do this again. But I had to move on, because what was done was done.  Time went on and, two years later, we found ourselves in the same situation, shortly after we had both just begun college.  The fear immediately set in again. This time, we had even greater stakes on the line. We didn’t want to give up the beginnings of our future and were willing to go through with another abortion, despite the promise I made myself.  On my way to my appointment, I had an overwhelming sense of panic. I couldn’t fight my parental instincts this time, remembering what I had gone through the first time, and the promise I had made. I still didn’t feel ready, and I still had fear, but I just couldn’t abort again.  I found the nearest exit I could and immediately felt a sense of peace and joy. Six months later, my daughter Amaya was born. This is the moment I fully valued the sanctity of human life. No amount of life or career goals could ever compare to having her. What a blessing God had given me, and I knew I would never devalue human life again. Because of the overwhelming love and joy I had with my baby girl, I knew what I was missing, and what I had given up the first time—a valuable life with a purpose.

I spent the next 10 years revisiting guilt, shame, regret, and grievance for that, often causing me to suppress those emotions to avoid reliving that experience, which caused unhealthy thinking and behaviors in my life. God wasn’t going to continue to allow that for me. Through His grace and timing, I was led to the “Forgiven and Set Free” post abortive recovery Bible study, and the Rachel’s Vineyard healing weekend retreat, where He transformed both mine and my husband’s lives and gave us complete healing, restoration, and a connection with our baby, that I never thought I could have. I thank God for deliverance because I have been forgiven and set free from that pain. It’s something that I will never forget, and I will always acknowledge the life that I was given. I finally went back to the Planned Parenthood where I left my baby so long ago. I sat in the parking lot and told him that I was sorry, and that I will always honor and acknowledge his life by trying to help save others. I often think about what his life would be like, and I know I’ll see him again one day. God has graced me with beauty from those ashes, and has given me a purpose and a calling to use what I have gone through to help other people.

I know what it’s like to be in a difficult life situation and subsequently choose abortion because of that, but I also know what it’s like to choose Life, in spite of circumstance. Out of difficulties grows miracles. Life is a gift.

Join me on this journey, and become part of a movement that can make a difference and empower people to be bold in our culture and make life affirming choices for our babies and moms & dads to be. Join me in helping to define a society that can lift people up and support them by removing the crisis, not the child. A crisis is temporary, abortion is not. Join me in becoming the generation that ends abortion. Join me in becoming SILENT NO MORE.

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