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Testimonies
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Honoring Sarah and Matthew
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Patti
California,
United States
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I was single and career oriented which is why I chose to abort my first baby, plus I didn’t want my parents to find out I was pregnant. The procedure was performed by my OB/GYN. He invited two male interns into the room to observe the abortion as a “teaching moment.” I didn’t protest. I was too intimidated and embarrassed to say no.
Although I wanted to keep the second baby, my parents convinced me to abort, fearing my being an unwed mother would hurt my career and stain our family’s reputation.
Both abortion experiences were the same. The doctors were unsympathetic and matter-of-fact. The support staff were just as cold and unfeeling. No comfort, no compassion. I walked away feeling dirty, humiliated and empty.
I still hear the sound of the vacuum and feel the tugging that took the lives of my children. I used booze and sex to escape the emotional pain and convinced a doctor to give me a tubal ligation at the age of thirty, subsconsiously punishing myself for the abortions … I didn’t deserve to be a mother.
I eventually hit bottom, thinking suicide was the only escape and ended up in a mental institution. When asked by the admitting psychiatrist why I wanted to die I told him I was already dead inside and just wanted to finish the job.
I was still an emotional wreck even after years of sobriety and therapy. It was only after attending a healing retreat I came to understand all the self-destructive behavior was a result of the guilt and shame from the abortions.
I will always carry the regret of aborting Sarah and Matthew. My way of honoring them is speaking out in hopes of preventing others from making the same devastating mistake I did.
That’s Why I’m Silent No More!
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