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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion


Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously

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I Knew Who Held My Future
North Carolina, United States

I have always been pro-life, though my story does not begin with me, but with my dad and my paternal grandmother. About 58 years ago my grandmother and grandfather were on their way to elope when an argument ensued. My grandfather threw the wedding ring out the window and instead of getting married that day, they conceived my dad. My grandfather was very abusive towards my grandmother and, during their relationship, he committed domestic violence against her. When she shared with him that she was pregnant, he was furious and denied that my dad was even his. During that time period my grandfather was a well to do Italian businessman, while my grandmother was a poor young German girl. They came from opposite sides and his family, especially his mother, strongly advised an abortion.

One day my grandfather put my grandmother in his car and drove her against her will to an abortion clinic, while he held his arm outstretched across her chest and upper torso to prevent her from escaping. But she continued to fight against his force and tried to push him away. She wanted to keep my dad and raise him, despite not having the financial means to do so.  She realized her baby’s safety was at risk, and she eventually broke free from my grandfather’s grasp and jumped out of the car moving at 45 mph. By God’s grace she did not lose the baby and, in the spring of 1959, she gave birth to a healthy baby boy named David.

Because of being raised to know that abortion comes down to an issue between life and death, the murder of children through abortion has always weighed heavy on me. The risks my grandmother took to save and have my dad, along with the choice my parents made to see OBGYN’s whom were also abortionists for all of their pregnancies, as a way to reach out and evangelize to them, spoke volumes to me and defined a pro-life view within me from a very young age.

I always knew I wanted to advocate for the voiceless and defenseless pre-born but never knew how to get involved in that type of advocacy. One day I was passing a building I had always passed on my way to and from work.  The sign of the building read, “Family Reproductive Health”, but deep down I felt it was far more sinister than the help it seemed to imply. By fate, one day I was stopped in front of that building due to a train crossing. I asked the women holding an “I Regret My Abortion” sign if it was indeed an abortion facility and she confirmed it was. I later told my mom of meeting this woman and how I had desired for a long time to get involved in ending abortion. A few weeks later my mom would hear a woman at church give her testimony of being post-abortive. That woman would attend the same women’s retreat as my mom and I. When my mom pointed her out to me, I realized she was the same woman I had talked to on the side of the road holding the sign.

After meeting and talking with this post-abortive woman about her stand against abortion, I became involved with the 40 Days for Life campaign. I participated in the Fall 2007 and Spring 2008 campaigns and went on to co-lead the Fall 2008 and Spring 2009 campaigns with her by my side. During one of these campaigns I even traveled out of state and stood outside the hospital where I was born with other pro-life prayer warriors. Through these campaigns I was introduced to Flip Benham of Operation Save America, who is the one God used to bring the Gospel to Norma McCorvey,  “Jane Roe” of Roe v Wade. He would baptize her and would also be very instrumental in my own baptism. He would baptize me in a plastic baby pool, in front of an abortion clinic during Easter weekend 2009. The first known baptism in front of an abortion clinic - from what Flip said. We had speakers set up where I gave my testimony as well as my Dad, sharing how he was a “failed abortion attempt” - which is what his story had come to be known as within the Pro-Life community.  

My dad’s story for me shows how abortion impacts future generations. If my grandmother had not jumped out of a moving car…had my dad been aborted or even miscarried from the jump, future generations including myself, my siblings and our future children and grandchildren would cease to exist. Life is a precious gift! Jeremiah 1:5 says, “Before I even formed you in your mother’s womb, I knew all about you.
  Before you drew your first breath, I had already chosen you to be My prophet to speak My word to the nations.”  Every life has a specific purpose, which only that life can fulfill for the glory of God, our Creator. So I was well aware of how precious life is and had always felt that even in cases of rape that every life deserves a chance at life, regardless of the circumstances in which that life was conceived. I just had no idea how personally I would be impacted by abortion or that I would be faced with the choice to have to choose either life or death under the most gravest and unthinkable circumstances!

As a little girl I had always dreamed of prince charming, castles, and fairy tale endings. But what took place exactly one week before my birthday in September 2009 was nothing of childhood dreams but instead made of nightmares, evilness, pain, and utter disbelief! When I was violently raped by my fiancée, my dreams were dashed! My world came crashing down and that violent act shattered my very core! As I look back now, I realize I was in complete denial and couldn’t process what had happened. Unfortunately the aftermath of something like rape takes on a life of its own and stays with the victim long after the act of rape is committed.

Most ask me, “How could a fiancée could be guilty of rape?” but what I feel most fail to understand is that “No” means “No,” regardless of whether there is an intimate/sexual relationship. Even though we were engaged does not mean we were having sex. In fact, we weren’t! We had decided as followers of Jesus Christ that we would wait until we got married to have sex. My fiancée had even said, “It will be difficult to wait, but it will be worth the wait!” I had no idea that the man who vowed to always protect me was capable of hurting me in such an intimate, violating way! How could the man who planned a future with me, who prayed with me every night for our future children, who read and quoted scriptures to me be the same man who could cause me such harm?

It was through this situation that I had a true understanding of the meaning behind the phrase “a wolf in sheep’s clothing.”  Not only had my body been violated, but also my heart had been betrayed. While visiting him out of state and there being no family around, I called my sister and asked her what to do, as I was in pain. She suggested I go to urgent care, though I was still very much in denial with all that had just happened! His actions for the first time were the opposite of his words, and it was a lot to process!

After I relayed every detail of the traumatic event to the Urgent Care Doctor, he sat on his spinning chair in front of me and told me by law he had to report it to authorities. He gave me the choice to make the call to the police and turn in my fiancée for rape or else he would. All I could do was cry; I couldn’t believe this was happening! The doctor said he would make the call and would come back once the police arrived. Meanwhile, my family and friends were hundreds of miles away, as I sat by myself in the urgent care room wondering how my happily ever after turned so dark and violent? This was not at all how I expected to spend that weekend — first in urgent care with a doctor turning my fiancée in for rape and then arriving at the hospital to have the rape kit performed as the police searched for my now ex-fiancée. It was a woman’s worse nightmare! I went from being blissfully in love to feeling like the most unloved and alone woman in the world!

Most are unaware of the logistics of what a rape kit involves. Yet, it is even more horrifying to have it performed when you are already scared and facing so many unknowns! I found myself lying down in that hospital room as the SART nurse performed the rape kit on me, all while a SART nurse in training looked on. How did I get here? I was terrified and an emotional wreck! I couldn’t help but sob and feel so utterly alone, as my future now looked so bleak!

Now I’ve been pro-life all my life, but as the painful rape kit was performed on me the only thought that went through my mind was that I finally understood why some rape victims would decide to have an abortion! And that thought broke my heart because of the strong pro-life beliefs I have always stood for. Yet there was no way I wanted to be pregnant with the child of my rapist. Just then the SART nurse asked me the question, “Do you think you could be pregnant?” It made me want to crawl out of my skin and scream! The SART nurse discussed with me the timing of everything, and she determined that I was probably pregnant and told me she was going to give me the Morning After Pill to take. In fact, while the rape kit is being performed, not only are Morning After Pills given to victims of rape but also emergency antibiotics to combat every type of STD, including AIDS, just in case the victim has been exposed. All the pills were being administered together in a little plastic pill cup. There was no way for me to know which pill was what. As I lay there crying, pleading with God to let me somehow die or escape this nightmare! The SART Nurse said she was going to take another preventative pregnancy measure by scraping me of any possible traces of pregnancy.  Though she still continued to remind me of the Morning After Pill and strongly advised that I take it stating, “Who would want a baby out of rape?”

I was shocked and saddened by her comment! This is already such a confusing and traumatic time for a victim of rape. I felt very much like the SART nurse was trying to manipulate me into doing what she wanted me to do, not what was in the best interest for a potential pregnancy or for me.  Through the tears and pain, my heart grew heavy knowing that a life is still a precious gift created by and from God! A gift I have no right to take, regardless of the trauma I was now experiencing. No pre-born child deserves capital punishment for the sins of his/her father. So I knew as I sobbed while they took the most graphic pictures of my injuries, that regardless of the future, I would choose LIFE! That night in the direst of circumstances I not only declined the Morning After Pill, but I refused to take any of the STD emergency antibiotics, not sure which ones the SART nurse would give me if I took any. So I took the risks with my health and trusted GOD! I also physically took a stance and twisted my legs to prevent her from even trying to scrape me. I would walk out of that hospital and drive home through out the night not knowing what the future held, but I knew who held my future, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Now most are unaware that the purpose of the pill is to “terminate a pregnancy” to ultimately “destroy” the “life of another human being.” There are three ways the Morning After Pill operates: 1) If you have not yet ovulated, it prevents ovulation. 2) If you have ovulated, but have not yet conceived, it prevents conception. 3) If you have conceived a child, it prevents the unborn child from implanting in the uterine wall (referred to as “blastocyst” by the time the unborn child would be ready to implant), by creating a hostile environment, thereby killing that unborn child because you’ve cut off his or her ability to receive the nutrients he or she needs to continue developing. The SART team will tell you that the pill won’t “terminate a pregnancy.” But the SART team would be deceiving you because the “Morning After Pill” does “terminate a pregnancy.”

The next few weeks would physically be painful and anxiety ridden as I waited to be able to take a pregnancy test that would either show one line or two. I would not only take a couple of pregnancy tests but would also have a Doctor confirm, to my surprise, that I was not pregnant.  Also, after about six long months of waiting to get tested to see if I had been exposed to any type of STD’s, I received the results that I had not been, by God’s grace.

As I look back over my life and see all the pro-life choices that were made by my grandmother, mom, and dad, I realize I was born pro-life, and those values and beliefs are deeply woven within the very core of who I am. The numerous pro-life decisions that had been made, that brought me life, have made me into the woman I am today. As I reflect on that low valley I walked through in 2009, I am able to say that, regardless of what the pregnancy tests revealed weeks after my rape, I did choose life under the most unthinkable and traumatic circumstances while facing a world of unknowns! It’s a choice I would make again! Since my rape, I have forgiven my rapist. I have spoken about my rape, choosing life, and domestic violence. I have found hope and healing through God. Today I am an advocate for the pre-born and for victims of domestic violence.


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