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My Eternal Joshua
Carol
Wisconsin, United States

In 1975, I became pregnant as a senior in high school, nearing my graduation. Against the thoughts of myself, the father of my baby, and his parents, my mother forced me to have an abortion (said she wasn’t going to be stuck with me and a baby). This was a traumatic and painful experience in numerous ways. I thought I put the incident behind me and life went on.

I married in 1976, had three sons, divorced, and married again in 1986. I was pregnant with my 4th son when I had a bizarre experience. We were at a playground park. While my husband and young sons were playing, five to six months pregnant - I sat on a park bench reading a magazine. “I THOUGHT” one of my boys came and sat real close to me – I did not initially look away from the magazine article. “I FELT” this was one of my sons, and I went to put my arm around him. I began to when I looked at the child (who I always remember smiling at me) and I said to him, “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were one of my boys.” He got up and ran away like a happy child. I only watched him momentarily. He was about 9 or 10 years old.

We had parked in a nearby restaurant parking lot and something came over me – out of nowhere – that boy was MY CHILD. My husband knew something wasn’t right with me and thought it was my pregnancy. I told him – that was my son! (Neither he nor any of my sons saw the boy sitting next to me.)

I have shared this incident with a Pastor, counselor, even some of my colleagues (Registered Nurses). I try to remember this little boy. He looked like my third son. I cannot remember the child having teeth – just a toothless smile (all this from my memory). I remember that he ran up a hill next to the park, by a church, to where all I see are two silhouettes of men and a dog. I began to try to determine, from the standpoint of the Bible, what happens to a fetus of an abortion – is there salvation? There is NO SCRIPTURE that addresses terminations.

In 1992, while I was working the 11pm to 7am shift on a Maternity unit, postpartum area, a two day old newborn was found unresponsive. He was assigned to me, as was his mother, who had a Cesarean Section. Our staff immediately began Neonatal CPR, and a Neonatologist (a doctor who specializes in premature and newborn care) was called in. After well over 50 minutes in trying to bring life back to this little infant, the Neonatologist told us to stop. We (the nurses) did not want to. (Any child death is a Coroner’s Case – the Autopsy later determined the little boy’s death to be SIDS – Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). The doctor instructed me to bring the infant to the parents after he informed them and one of the grandmothers who came to the hospital. This has been the most difficult thing I have EVER had to do in my career as a nurse, bringing a dead newborn to his mother.

The mother ran out of the room hysterically, and I handed the infant to the father. The Neonatologist and I followed her. At one time she knuckle punched me in my ribs. I understand how a person can be “numb”, because I never felt physical pain. The doctor kept insisting I go to the Emergency Room.  I refused.

The mother was transferred off of the maternity unit onto a surgical unit. She initially blamed me for her son’s death, but then apologized when I went to her room to talk to her and her family. I shared what happened to me in the park in 1986 with “my son”. I told them their son was “ok”. I just know this.

Maybe I was given the experience in 1986 to share with these grieving parents. Their child had “outside” life, 2 days old. My child, my son, had only internal, and now eternal.

I named my son Joshua. I had his name tattooed along my shoulder to honor his 40th birthday. He’s my angel on my shoulder. I have five grown children – all are aware of my experience of their oldest brother, and their grandmother’s part in why he is not here.

 

To this day, I do not believe I have ever “felt” or “seen” him again. As a nurse, I do not hold judgment of choices adult women make in regards to an unplanned pregnancy. I am not an advocate of abortion. Every situation is unique. I am an advocate of responsibility and consequences. I am an advocate of children being wanted, praised, loved, encouraged, having acceptance and support and security. If these life lessons were missing, you are already dead in many ways.

Here is a poem I wrote for Joshua:

 

My Eternal Joshua

 

Your life prevented from this world

An evil act of theirs

A place you started life in me

The only one who cares

 

I think of you up to this day

And pray you are at peace

The pain I keep with me lives on

Of which I can’t release

 

I met you once there in a park

As other children played

I felt you mine there next to me

The moment that you stayed

 

I speak of you from time to time

To those who care to hear

But know forever Joshua

To me you are so dear

 

The evil done was not my choice

The price is mine to pay

Please know the love I have for you

Will never go away

 

My little angel I keep on me

Your name my shoulder keeps

Eternal you are with me now

Although my heart still weeps

 

Copyright@C.L.F.C.K.

My experience at the abortion clinic was very “cold”. The doctor hurt me and made comments about my crying. I felt ashamed, scared and sick in my heart. I HAD NO CHOICE/NO VOICE.

I walked out of there physically and emotionally hurting. My mother kept saying, “It was nothing…this is for the best for everyone.”

I have had sex with multiple men, did abuse drugs, and have had problems with alcohol sometimes. I have attempted suicide twice. Yes, I have relationship problems, but it is most likely related to my childhood and the various forms of abuse and assault.

I did nothing wrong other than have sex before marriage. I have and continue to ask the Lord for forgiveness often. I wrote this story down for the very first time in April of 2017. It really helped to do this!

I AM SILENT NO MORE!


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