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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion


Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously

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That Heavy, Heavy Burden
New York, United States

I had my abortion in the spring of 1983, I was 23 years old and I had recently kicked my boyfriend out and after a month or more I realized I hadn't had my period in a while, went to my OBGYN doctor and found out I was pregnant, all they said to me then was, what was I going to do.  I was panicked. Tons of thoughts going through my mind: I was going to school to become an RN, working full time 3-11pm; thinking of my parents and how they would take the news, how they would see me being pregnant, not proud of me, ashamed of me.  I was feeling mad and guilty that I even got pregnant; my boyfriend had been was doing drugs (like mushrooms and/or even maybe LSD).  I really didn't know what he was taking or doing.  It was a real mess.

So I decided to have the abortion.  My doctor said they would do it, but because I was already around 13 or more weeks pregnant, I would have to go to the hospital for a procedure they called a VIP (voluntary interruption of pregnancy, nice name, right?) and pay $300 before the procedure.

The day of my abortion was a Friday in the morning. I had this married couple who  were good friends of mine drive me there.  There was not much conversation, there or on the way back.  I was taken to a room that was big, wide open.  I don't remember anyone else around  It was cold, very sterile looking.  One nurse came and started an IV and didn't say very much.  I was so unaware of what was actually going on.  There was some type of suction noise, but I really didn't know what was happening.  I remember tears going down the side of my face, down my cheeks.

The next thing I recalled was riding in their car and no one saying anything.  They dropped me off and that's when it really hit me. I was alone in my little house—feeling overwhelmed me.  I went straight to bed and pretty much stayed there all weekend, feeling extremely sad, crying, sobbing, wishing I could turn back the clock.

Sunday night came, and I kind of settled myself, knowing that Monday meant things had to go back to "normal".  I had to go to classes, study hard to get good grades, work, come home again.  No one would ever know what I did.  My heart hurt, but I just told myself I needed to get back to MY routine—MY plans for MY future, to become a registered professional nurse and that my parents would be so proud of me.

Growing up I never felt very good about myself, especially my looks (I was born with a hair lip and cleft palate).  We were poor, so I didn't have the newest and latest fashions. But after the abortion I felt even more worthless, so I tried to keep my body pretty fit and hoped that it would attract someone to look at me, at least.

Fast-fast forward to 2005, or maybe a little before that, I had heard about the Sanctity of Human Life.  Each time I heard someone talk about it I would quietly cry, hoping no one would notice the shame and guilt, fearful someone would know about my past experience.  No way was anyone going to find out that I was a really bad sinner.  God forgave my sins, BUT did He really forgive THAT One??!!!  At that time I didn't think He did.  Not until I started hearing other people give their testimonies about how God forgives it ALL—and we need to believe that with our whole heart, that Jesus's blood covers it all!

In 2011 I was able to connect with a Surrendering the Secret Bible study with other women who also shared my deep dark secret.  Some of them even had more than one abortion.  It is God who loves us unconditionally, and He forgives me!  He has set my heart free from that heavy, heavy burden I carried around with me for so many years! I want to let others know how debilitating it is to keep a secret hidden but to also let women and men know what abortion actually does to our souls...I WANT TO BE SILENT NO MORE!

Praise His Holy name, I am loved by the King, and I am a daughter of the King. I want to glorify Him in all that I do.        


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