I had an abortion because I was ashamed to be pregnant. I didn't think that I could raise a child with my partner. I was raised by a single mom, and at the time I thought I didn’t have a different choice.
During the abortion experience I felt fine. A young woman who had an abortion before came and spoke to me about her experience. Then she left and I really don't remember much more than that.
Immediately afterward I did feel a sense of relief. I still felt the hormones of being pregnant, which had a great effect on me.
Two days after my abortion was September 11, 2001. I grieved with the nation but didn't realize at the time I was grieving for my child and myself, as a mother no longer. I felt hopeless.
As time went on I didn't still realize the affect this loss had on me. I struggled with promiscuity, relationships, and most of all a deep feeling of shame and unlovableness at my core. It haunted me and fear ripped through me, that I would never feel love. This sense that, at any moment, I would be punished was pervasive through my life. Especially after I had children, my fear that they would be harmed or taken from me was paralyzing. I believed I didn't deserve anything good.
I found help and healing through Rachel's Vineyard. The retreat helped me to realize things I never knew that I never knew. Layer after layer peeled back, raw wounds that had crusted over but not healed. I found myself loved by Jesus even after what I had done and a space for my woundedness and brokenness so profound I am still moved to tears. And that's why I am silent no more!