If Only
We were in love when we conceived you. It crushed me when we decided not to keep you.
I was terrified and confused about what to do. I was worried what happened to me could happen to you.
We were unprepared and afraid of what others would say, so we made the worst mistake to take you away.
If only I had overcome my fears, then you would be here. I cannot let go of how I did not say no.
For a long time, I was numb and pretended it happened to someone else. How do I ever live with myself?
I buried my pain. I knew nothing would be the same. I changed that day in the absolute worst way.
Your Daddy tried to comfort me, telling me we would have kids someday. It seemed like such a cliché.
If only I had not felt betrayed, then I would not have pushed him away. Why did he not say you should stay?
I resented him for a while. How could he even smile? Did he ever shed tears? He seemed so cavalier.
Months later, he and I parted ways. We could no longer look at each other in a loving way.
I wish I had known my feelings of remorse were not just mine. Maybe he had to grieve in his own time.
Only now do I see, he was strong for me. I never thought it may have broken him, too, if only I knew.
If he is torn as a result, I hope he accepts he was not only at fault. Was our mistake part of our fate?
Twenty-four years later, you are still in my heart. I pray you can forgive us, while we are apart.
Had I known you had a heartbeat, hands and feet, I would not have conceded and accepted defeat.
I could not foresee how deeply this would affect me, if only I could go back in time and do a rewind.
Someone, who knew about you, told me it no longer matters. Why then am I still so shattered?
That day my fate was sealed. How do I ever heal? If I had not agreed, then my soul would be free.
I do not know if I can meet you at the Pearly Gates. I just know I am filled with so much self-hate.
If only I were stronger that day and had just walked away, then I would not secretly wear my Scarlet K.
In my heart and soul, I always felt you were a girl. I gave you a name. Yet, it cannot disguise my shame.
The decision we made has devastated me to the core. I should have fought for you more.
My anguish consumes me and entombs me. A part of me vanished that day, after you went away.
If only we had saved you, then you could hear me say those precious words, “I love you”.
December 21st is the day I will never forget. It will always be my biggest regret.
No one told me that day the pain would never go away.
I cannot forgive myself for what was done. I sob knowing I killed my only one.
If only we had thought it through, then I would not be mourning the loss of you.
The hardest thing I have ever had to do was to live my life without you.
I am forever sorry we never gave you the chance because of circumstance.
I pray you are in a peaceful and loving place where you are happy and full of grace.
I weep as I send this heartfelt plea to you, my dear Alexis Rae, “Can you and God forgive us today?”