I was a very lost and already a single mom of a beautiful little girl.  I had moved back to NC and found myself getting back into some old habits, like the same loser men that I knew and thought I deserved.  I had no self-esteem, and my baby girl’s dad was a married man, so she was a product of an affair.  But I loved her with all I had in me!  I didn’t care how she got here, all that mattered was that she was my daughter.  The father wanted me to abort her, and I said, “Absolutely not!”    Never would I do something so vile!   

Well, guess what, two and a half years later, I did.  I was lonely, seeking a man for that void, and got pregnant.   I couldn’t believe I was pregnant again!  What was I supposed to do now?  I had no family and very little money to raise my daughter as it was, and he denied being the father.    He was a drug addict loser.  So here I was, alone and lost.   My friends encouraged me to go ahead and have it done.   My one friend had had a few abortions, so it was no big deal to her, I thought.  So, I made the call to the clinic.   

I had to go to my appointment for an ultra sound.   I did not want to go and was very adamant that I didn’t know how far long I was.   I wasn’t there out of joy but so much sadness.   “Well,” she blurted out, “You’re seven weeks and five days.”   I was so angry and dying inside but continued with the procedure.  

So, I went home, hugged my baby girl, and cried!   What was I fixing to do?   I was going to kill my baby and that was ok?  No, I knew it wasn’t, but I still went.  

I remember sitting in a room with a bunch of girls. They were laughing like it was a joke.   I took a Xanax for my nerves, but my heart was breaking.  I thought, “You all are terrible women!”  But I was in the room being one of those terrible women!   I went back and got in the stirrups.  I was crying.   The nurse said to me, “Oh honey, it’s no big deal.  I’ve had three.” (I think she might have said a few.)  I felt the awful pain of my cervix being dilated, and there was an old metal box with a vacuum hose attached.    Oh, they should have just sucked my heart out also.   I couldn’t believe what I had just done.   All I wanted was to run and hold my baby girl at home, who was waiting for her mom, her baby-killing mother.   I stayed a couple hours and a friend drove me home.   We didn’t talk much, because all I could do was cry.  I was a murderer.  I felt that God was going to send me to the pits of hell.