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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion
 

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Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously


 
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Hard to Forgive
Barbara
Washington, United States

I had an abortion because I wanted to walk down the aisle with a white dress, protect my reputation, and start my husband's second marriage "better" than his first.  I feared my parents' reactions—my dad's in particular, as he had made it clear that I should not marry a divorced man.  I wanted to protect my fiancé, since he had already impregnated his first wife and then divorced her within a year after their baby was born. He said he divorced her, because he still loved me.  We had met in high school, and I had broken up with him after pressure from my parents.

Immediately after my abortion I felt relieved and then pretty much blocked it out.  I nearly broke off the engagement after we had a heated argument, when he was trying to give me unsolicited advice.  Right now, as I am writing this, I am wondering if I had underlying rage leaking out at him for his cowardice and not encouraging me to have his baby.  When I first got pregnant, I told him that I wanted to have an abortion.  I said, "I don't want to start out our marriage the same way you began your first one.”  A few days later, I was having second thoughts and told him that maybe I should have the baby.  He did not agree; he just said he thought abortion was the way to go.

The day of the abortion, my fiancé drove me to Planned Parenthood.  The only thing I remember was when the doctor stood up and noticed my engagement ring.  He kind of gasped and asked if I was sure I wanted the abortion, and I said yes.  Then I remember being in the car on the way back to my apartment and being nauseated. My fiancé fixed me a steak dinner. I think that was the one and only time he ever prepared a meal for me.  It makes me ashamed that it seemed like a kind of celebratory feast, that we were glad that we’d gotten through it.  He later told me that while he was waiting during the abortion he was struck with fear at the possibility of my dying during the procedure.  Nobody in either of our families knew we were there.

At my first post abortion Bible study, I realized through the counsel of others that the blame was not 100% on me; it was a joint decision. I pretty much had carried the entire blame for all 26 years, because it was my idea in the first place. I wonder, to this day, if he had had the courage to go to my parents with me and talk about it, if we would have saved our baby. 

One day I saw the physical truth of abortion.  I am an RN and worked in an operating room as a circulating nurse.  It was customary for the nurses to take the surgery specimens and drop them off at the pathology window at the end of each case.  I took a specimen to drop off and saw something I didn't recognize that the pathologist was examining.  I asked the pathologist, "What is that?"  It just looked like a large mound of light-colored flesh, and I could only see the backside of it.  He turned over a full-grown dead baby with a head of dark hair and said, "It's a VTP.”  I asked, "What is a VTP?" He said, "Voluntary Termination of Pregnancy," and dropped it in a white specimen bucket.  I ran to the bathroom feeling sick and crying.  God opened my eyes that day...like opening Abby Johnson's eyes when she saw the ultrasound.

As time went on, I felt and experienced great anger, rage, and moodiness at my husband’s emotionally distancing himself from me. Again, I blamed myself and attributed it to PMS.  All my spouse would ever say when I shared my feelings was "don't take it out on me". He would not talk about it, except to say that he didn't think it was wrong. 

I think I have been depressed to some degree for all the years since.  There was a day before I had children when I took his handgun and was going to kill myself, but I decided not to. I told my husband afterwards and his reaction, true to his nature, was basically to say nothing.

We were married for 33 years and had a son and two daughters.  They are now adults, and one is married with two children. My spouse divorced me after those 33 years then told everyone I had left him, which was a lie. 

I had been utterly co-dependent during the marriage.  Even after rededicating my life to Christ after my first baby was born, the marriage was still miserable. I felt I was being punished by God for having the abortion. I know now that is not true, but that was always in the back of my mind.  I felt submitting to my husband would make things better, and he eventually would come to Christ by seeing my major efforts to get control of my anger. But the opposite was true—the harder I tried to become the perfect submissive wife, the more abusive and controlling he became. When I finally developed a spine, he divorced me. 

I did find help and forgiveness after the post-abortion studies, but it has been hard to forgive myself and still is.  Because of the lack of communication during our marriage and the buried feelings I was never allowed to share with my husband, I think I still, at age 71, have not completely healed. I still overeat.

I worry to this day how this has affected and will affect my now adult children and grandchildren. I told my children years ago that I'd had an abortion, and I wonder if some of the challenges they face now would have been prevented, had I not had an abortion and if we were not divorced 15 years ago. 

To say I REGRET MY ABORTION is an understatement!  I cannot say that I am 100% free of the shame, but I would like to be!  There is so much more to tell about how God opened my eyes to what abortion really is.

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