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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion


Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously

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The Deep Abyss
Pennsylvania, United States

It is so easy to believe lies - about yourself, about life.  I believed the lies that said that I was worthless and an outcast.  These lies led me to search for love and belonging, for something to make me feel good.  Drugs and promiscuity followed to fill these needs.  I had my first child just after I turned 18.  I struggled with transitioning between abusing drugs and being a mom.  I struggled with the shame of getting pregnant and my past lifestyle, and the shame I brought my parents.  I got pregnant again about a year later, and I became afraid.  I couldn't go through this again, and my boyfriend was abusive.  I had a miscarriage and kept it hidden.  Then I had my first abortion about a year later.  I believed that I couldn't bring another child into an abusive environment - it wouldn't be fair.  I couldn't bring more humiliation to my parents or problems to my abusive boyfriend.  I believed this was the only answer, that it would solve all the problems, and that I could just get on with my life.  I believed this was just a bunch of cells and not yet a baby.  I believed all these lies.

I only remember bits of this abortion.  I really thought I was making the right decision, but I still felt this deep regret as I laid on that table.  I stuffed it away.  I was detached and numb.  I writhed and moaned in pain, even though I was told it wouldn't hurt.  It seemed to take forever.  I left there feeling empty and depressed - and that never went away.  It just became normal - it became me.  I wanted to kill myself, but I couldn't go through with it.  I just went through the motions of life.

I had my second child about a year later, right after my boyfriend left.  The loneliness, emptiness, and depression led me to start going back to some old habits when my kids were with their father.  I tried to rid these feelings with superficial relationships with guys who were using drugs and alcohol - old habits.  This led to two more pregnancies and two more abortions.  There was no way I could bring these guys or lifestyles or humiliation into my little girls’ lives, so I believed it was the only answer.

My girls were my life, and I know I loved them.  But I couldn't connect with them or anyone else.  I couldn't have relationships.  I couldn't feel love, because if I loved, I would feel the immense pain of the abortions.  So, to be able to live, I couldn't love.  

For the next 30 years, I never felt any better.  I changed my lifestyle and got married, but I struggled in this relationship.  I could not figure out why I couldn't be happy and felt so horrible, even though I had everything: beautiful children, a great husband, a good job, a nice home.  I became suicidal - 30 years after.  I started having these panic attacks of sheer terror and confusion.  I began getting this picture of being in an area of dark water with machinery somewhere, and I was moving toward it.  I couldn't get away.  I was petrified.  These lasted for about a year, until I started going through counseling and healing That’s when I realized what those panic visions were.  I was actually there, in the womb, in the dark water being pulled toward the machinery.  The panic was terrifying.  Even with these healing programs, I began getting physically sick.  The panic attacks went away, but my health kept declining.  I had been pushing myself beyond my capacity, driven to succeed - a workaholic and eventually becoming an alcoholic.  The abortions were supposed to fix my problems and allow me to move on with my life.  Instead, they pulled me into a deep abyss that held me captive for over 30 years.  I hated myself, and I believed I was a monster.  And, no matter how much counseling I had, I couldn't forgive myself.  

But God's mercy is awesome, and He led me to a relationship with Him and to what I really needed to be able to heal.  I went through prayer healing programs and then a Rachel's Vineyard Retreat.  I am finally starting to heal - I can forgive myself, and I don't hate myself.  God helps me through my pain, and I can feel love, and it's wonderful.  I feel alive with God's love.  I see the truth, and this is why I am Silent No More.


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