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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion
 

EXPRESS YOUR REGRET

Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously


 
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Finding Forgiveness
Susan
Missouri, United States

My childhood was spent living on a small farm in Northeast Missouri.  Life was simple then - spending my days outside with the animals and my dad.  Then tragedy struck when I was 9, and my father was killed in a tractor accident.  Life was never simple again after that.  I became the child of a single mother, and times always seemed to be tough.  There was never an abundance of anything after that, especially money.  I began working at the age of 14 and worked hard through school.  I had one goal in mind and that was college.  I worked hard through high school, attended church, and got good grades.  

After high school I went to college and completed my freshman year.  During the summer of my freshman year, finances became a real issue.  I had moved into an apartment with my brother and figured out that I was going to need a full-time job to pay bills.  This forced me to drop out of college, which changed the trajectory of my life. I was far from God and walking a path that led me even further from Him.

I started dating guys that weren’t a good influence and eventually became involved with a man that would lead me down a dark and scary road.    I became pregnant before I realized just how controlling and abusive he was.  Soon after having my daughter, I was forced to choose between life and death when he came to my door with a gun.  Luckily, I had been forewarned and knew not to open the door to him that night.  With the help of the police, I was able to leave that night and never look back.  That night I returned to my hometown and attempted to start over.

My small town wasn’t exactly welcoming when I returned with a child out of wedlock.  For the next several years I hung my head in shame.  I eventually found a job in a nearby town, where I made close friends.  One of these friends introduced me to her uncle.  He was much older than me but seemed interested in me, and we started a relationship.  Again, I didn’t make smart decisions and continued to walk a path that was far from God.  I eventually became pregnant a second time.  I had just started a new job that I very much wanted to keep and also had finally started to regain my reputation in my small town.  These selfish reasons made me feel like I couldn’t have another child.  When I told the father that I was pregnant, he immediately said that we were going to get rid of the baby.  These factors led me down a road of secret pain and agony.  A little over a week after finding out that I was pregnant, I took away the life of my child.  I was totally doped up on Valium as I walked out of the clinic that day.  My mind has tried to block out the events of that day, but I have a vivid memory of the sounds of the vacuum sucking out my baby from the womb.  

For seven years I stayed with the man who got me pregnant.  If you ask me why, I’ll say I don’t really know.  But deep down I think staying with him was me punishing myself.  I knew he was not the man for me.  I knew he was not interested in making a life with me, or me with him.  In fact, I also knew that he wasn’t faithful to me.  I stayed, because I didn’t think I deserved anyone to love me.  The year following my abortion, death was all around me.  I lost three people that I loved dearly – my grandmother, my aunt, and my brother.  I convinced myself that God took them to repay me for the life I took.  I know now that God loved me through it all and only wanted to comfort me.  

Finally, seven years after my abortion, I happened upon a book at the bookstore called The Purpose Driven Life.  Little did I know that this book would change my life. I started reading and seeing a change in myself immediately.  This led me to walk away from the destructive relationship I had been in.  I then started attending church again.  God was truly working in my life and, just a few months later, I met the man that God intended for me all along – the love of my life, my husband of 15 years now.  This godly man led me to a path to forgiveness.  He was the first person who ever told me that the Lord forgave me for my abortion and that I should forgive myself and stop carrying it around with me.  

In 2016, I took a mission trip to Haiti.  It was during this trip that the Lord led me to find my true healing.  Upon my return from Haiti, I contacted a local pregnancy center and began my journey to become a post-abortive recovery leader.  At this point, I had never gone through a healing program.  Thankfully, that was one of the steps in the process to become a leader.  I attended the 10-week SaveOne program, as well as a Project Rachel retreat.  Through these programs I was able to find true forgiveness and a deeper connection to the Lord.  

I regret my abortion and wish I could go back and change the choices I made.  But through God’s leading, I hope to find other women who are suffering from the guilt and shame of abortion and show them the path to forgiveness.  

God Bless

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