I was blessed with a spiritual crisis that I now know was a gift from God. This crisis forced me to review my life in great detail to understand how I ended up in such a dire situation at age 52. This review took the form of a flow chart of my life depicting all the important events. Once it was completed, I quickly realized the significance of the first event, my first abortion. What followed was a series of missteps that graduated to ongoing trauma. Anorexia, drinking, drug addiction and eventual detachment to the human race. I thought I had conquered all of these vices by my mid 30’s and could start a family and a new life, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. You see, I never addressed the source of my downturn. Abortion is an evil that often works in secrecy creating an environment filled with deep shame and eventual self-loathing. Here satan works freely, because you are wrapped up in living a lie, in total isolation, pressing on through despondency and even despair.
This was my life, unable to cry at funerals of loved ones, unable to connect with children, living with nightmares, angry and utterly alone even though surrounded by people who cared about me. I could not forgive myself, so I stayed away from church and no longer sought a relationship with Jesus Christ. I was 15 when I became pregnant and convinced I could not talk to my family. I made the fatal decision to go to planned parenthood on my own without any support. Oh, how I wish I would have talked to someone, anyone, about alternatives. I had no frame of reference for what this all really meant. This was my child with a soul who deserved life. Immediately I felt empty and deep sorrow but I thought that would go away once I physically “recovered” and gave it due time. I did not know that I would never recover, at least not without God’s grace and infinite mercy. I spent year after year getting more lost, searching for ways to fill the voids left after abortion.
By the Grace of God, I was referred to an abortion healing program three years ago. I had no idea what to expect from the retreat that I reluctantly agreed to go on, but now I thank God for this gift. The Holy Spirit was truly present guiding those that led it and healing those that sought forgiveness. There are no words for the gratitude that I feel. Jesus loves me, He never left me and He forgives me. There is a clarity and meaning to life now that I do not ever remember having because I was so young at the downturn. If I would have had the courage to seek help prior to my marriage and birth of my now 11-year old son. They both would have been spared immeasurable suffering.
Please continue to pray for both the unborn babies and the mothers, fathers and families of these babies as there is hope! We are truly one body in Christ.
Thank you again for listening to my story.